Worst Times..

Yesterday when I was on da phone asking for her results, my heart sunk when I heard about it, naturally there was tears in my eyes and I was numb to say or ask anything. It was sad to know da bad news & I felt worst talking to her.It was my first time bringing da saddest news to someone whom I love & care so much.Staying calm and telling her da news,I knew it was shocking to her and yet she pretended to be strong & tough to accept it.

I guess right now wat's in her mind is "What's da next step to take & How is she gonna tell her parents about it?".How I wish I was right beside her,I wanted to go through this times with her as I said to her before that I'll be with her for every ups and downs.I had da urge to pack my bag and go up to her hometown yet my mind hold me back with da question "Does she want me to be there?".As a result she did message me saying that she'll take care of herself and she'll handle it.So I think I got da answer already right?Give her some time to calm down to handle this situation.As usual,I'll standby here whenever she needs me.

I had a second thought that after helping and settling her studies problems right now,probably is da time where I should step out of her life cos she would need da time to focus in her studies for her future.I aint a selfish person,I would continue staying beside her,watching over her silently,continuing loving my dear without needing any commitment from her.Get it?Haha a bit confusing right?Wait till she have settle her stuffs first den I'll draw out a conclusion k?Now wat's important is her studies and future!!

God I know you're fair and there's a reason for everything to happened, now I pray for you to guide her to da path that leads to her future.She love law and she needs you to show her da way.I would stay beside her giving every guidance,advice and protection that I can.God I would need you and angels above us to help us.

*Dear,Dont Walk In Front Of Me Cos I May Not Follow,Dont Walk Behind Me Cos I Dunno How To Lead,Walk Beside Me and I Promise You I'll Stay With You Forever,Love From Me*

LLB Results

It's lunch time and soon I gonna call ATC again to check for her results, believe me my hands trembles and my heart keep beating so fast when I do so. I would reallie hope I could be her lucky star sending her da happy & goods news(praying real hard) and yet I'm afraid to know if it's a bad one(touch wood) cos I wouldnt know how to tell her and for weeks I have been motivating & supporting her to look at da brighter side and I couldnt bear myself seeing her suffer again so pls pls pls tell her that she pass her exams. It's alright that I'm not da one beside her going through da fears, da worries and later da joy or sadness yet I do care..I care a lot for her and I still love her.

I reallie hope & wish for da best for her,she's a nice person and of cos she do deserve some love & support from god & angels above.Let this time be da time to give her back da trust,confidence and fate in herself.I wouldnt mind whether she wants me or not,whether she loves me or she still wanna work out this relationship with me,all I care & matters to me is her studies,future and happiness.

She doesnt need to question nor doubt about how I feel for her,some things are better left unsaid cos I'm pretty sure she can feel my heart & love =) love you dear..

Pray hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Still..

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Backstreet Boys: I Still
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Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do,
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back,
How we were young and stupid,
Do you remember that?
Baby..

No matter how I fight it,
Can't deny it,
Just can't let you go,

I still need you,
I still care about you,
Though everything's been said and done,
I still feel you,
Like I'm right beside you,
But still no word from you..

Now look at me,
Instead of moving on,
I refuse to see,
That I keep coming back,
And I'm stuck in a moment,
That wasn't meant to last (to last)..

I try to fight it,
Can't deny it,
You don't even know

That I still need you,
I still care about you,
Though everything's been said and done,
I still feel you,
Like I'm right beside you,
But still no word from you,
Ohhhh,
Wish I could find you,
Just like you found me,
Ohhhhh (can't live without you)..

Though everything's been said and done (yeah),
I still feel you (I still feel you),
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you),
But still no (still no word) word from you..

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Da End
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Su Wen..

For so many years, my dear has not forgotten about da gal who was as perfect as an angel and it was da prettiest gal she ever seen in her life. She never thought that she would fall hard in love for this angel and without any notice, da angel left her. Ever since then, da angel was no where to be found nor contact. My dear's hearts was broken into pieces and she always questioned "Why did she left?"

My dear wanted to know da answer but I guess she's afraid to know da truth.There are many possibilities of why da angel left her and frankly, i reallie do envy her cos she captured da love of da life of my dear yet I felt da love she had for my dear. I didnt know why she would have lied behind my dear's back and i still believe that she did have feelings & love for my dear.Probably she left cos she know there is no return for her love or she knows that she couldnt get herself into da lesbian world though she love my dear.I could list hundreds of reasons here but fact is she's gone already.

She may live da life that she wants now happily and my dear is still living in the grey world of hers.She has blaming herself for not appreciating such an angel & she put da guilt in her. Anyone who knows my dear definitely heard before da story of Su Wen,haha my dear never miss that name out from anyone. I guessed she mention da angel's name more then mine!And seriously I didnt mind at all cos I accepted da fact that everyone has their love of their life(meaning falling deep in love for once in their lifetime)and my dear found it in her.

I know that it will remain a question about da disappearance angel unless my dear would take da courage to look for her and ask(sam says it will never happen). I reallie hope that my dear would accept da fact that Su Wen has left for watever reason & she shouldnt blame everything on herself, whether for what reason she has left, dear, you should carry on your life happily as well.Let go of your past,your regrets and her.

Lift up your confidence and trust for yourself,your love one and future.I'll continue staying beside you giving every support that you need as I guess this is what I could afford to give you now.You may have doubts whether how long I'm gonna stay or how long I'm gonna love you and it's true no one could guarantee you about love, I would only say that time will show you how much I gonna love you & of cos it's rather u or others would say "Sam,you will say tis for now and later you'll change".My dear bloggie, I never fallen in love with someone this much and I never thought as well.

Da love of my life is you, my dear & I pray for your happiness. I wish you could live out of da dark & grey clouds above you, looking for da ray of light and brighten up your days.Letting go da sadness,worries and regrets in you and live da happie days with da one you want to =)

You walk into my life once and you'll never walk out from my heart forever, I love you from da day we started & I'll never stop loving you till da end of my life.

*Da smile on your face worth more any diamonds in da world*love you..

Sam's Story

Yohoo it's Friday!!Ever since I started to work,I begin to love fridays so much and as da start of da day, I could open up my wardrobe, picking up my casual wear with my jeans and my sports shoes on, isnt fabulous?Of cos da best about fridays is weekends are here!I could throw myself on da bed, rolling here and there, reading my magazines & books while listening to my favourite songs.

Guess what I realised that my dear has da perception that I'm da type of gal who likes to walk around everywhere, couldn’t stick my butt on da chair for an hour, couldn’t live my life without shopping or getting out of da house, em maybe my words or actions did mislead her to have this perception about me and hey I doesn’t blame her for thinking like this but I would put da blame on myself.

I was emailing my close gal-friend that my dear actually have tat thought and she mentioned that I needed someone who can give me what I want without objection & she's not da one.Frankly, I cried over da sentence(though it's just a sms) cos I would never thought that's how she tot of me(sounded like a over pamper little gal) yet I accepted da fact(wasn’t a big issue after all).

I believe everyone has a different style of communication and my way of communication is kinda dumb and stupid.So here comes da story of sam,I'm da type of gal where I like initiatives frm my dear, with more elaboration that would be I feel it's kinda demanding or ordering if I were to say "have dinner with me", "pick me up" ,"buy that for me" and etc.I hope she would read between da lines frm my words and actions & use her initiatives to understand me more BUT tis is a stupid mistake and concept cos everytime I complain she doesn’t understand me & at da end I dun understand her too!!In fact this reflected to myself that when I complain that "how could she want me to understand her when she doesn’t say so?" cos I did da same thing too.Girls..*lol*

Okie now I get da point and hey dear if you're reading this, I know it sounds kinda stupid to you about this but whenever I'm telling you I'm going out with who n who or when I suggest about going here and there for trips, I was dying to hear from you "oh I'll come n join you!", "bao bei,let's go together" but in da end you'll be thinking why I always go out and why cant I stay at home?Actually I just want you to make initiative to go out with me only =( without me asking directly ma but you will say why I keep everything to myself?Sometimes it's sweet to be dated by you,I'm always anxious to see you on our dates.It melts my heart every small little thing you do that shows your care.It reallie touches me every huggie n kissie u gave(even when you hold my hand,I feel 'lum' ka!)

Hehe after all I'm a simple love gal..with a dummie and stupid conception in my head..it was kinda stupid this morning when I told her that I might be going over her hometown to look for her,I forgotten to ask myself "Who you think you are now?", forgotten to remind myself about my current status or situation tim.Anyway I'm learning to be a listener now and speak less. Most of da time I'm da one getting da attention to talk, so now sam sit back n listen okie?Thank God!

*Results will be out next week & I know she's reallie nervous about it,no matter good or bad I hope I'm here to support her in everyway that I can!God please bless her with da effort she have put on, I trust you God and I trust her*Strong fate for both of you!!*love ya dear as always*

End of sam's story =)

Emotion

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Destiny's Child: Emotion
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It's over and done,
but the heartache lives on inside,
And who's the one you're clinging to instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go,
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean,
You never see me fall apart,
In the words of a broken heart.

It's just emotion that's taken me over,
Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul,
But if you don't come back,
Come home to me, darling,
Dont you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight,
Dont cha know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight,
Goodnight, goodnight.

I'm there at your side, I'm part of all the things you are,
But you've got a part of someone else,
You've got to find your shining star,
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go,
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean,
You never see me fall apart.

In the words of a broken heart,
It's just emotion that's taken me over,
Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul,
But if you don't come back,
Come home to me, darling,
Dont you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight,
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight,
Goodnight, goodnight.

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go,
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean,
You never see me fall apart,
In the words of a broken heart,

It's just emotion that's taken me over,
Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul,
But if you don't come back,
Come home to me, darling,
Nobody left in this world to hold me tight,
Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight,

Goodnight, goodnight..
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Message of Da Day
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Morning everyone, well not to worry I'm not emotion today, anyway lately been balancing about myself, trying to cope with my emotions and rationality as well, things are getting better in da sense of everything*Cheers!*Da reason I'm putting this song up cos I remembered listening to this song over and over again in my dear's car when I firstly knew her & I remember her with da song deeply in my mind..so here you are da song..enjoy ya!

*It's Just My Luck That We Met,It's Fate We Are Together, It's Destined For Our Future and It's Priceless To Love Each Other Forever*

*Feelings Deep Inside My Heart*

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*Feelings Deep Inside My Heart*
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Sitting on my bed all alone,
Hugging da panda that you first gave me,
Looking at da pictures of us around me,
I saw love,future & destiny of you and me.

Thinking back how lovely we were,
Spending nights together hugging each other,
Pampering one another with care and support,
I knew that God heard my prayers every night.

Going through da ups and downs,
With laughter and tears together,
It's painful that I have hurt you,
And I will never wanna do so.

Feeling your love surrounding me,
Bringing my life so beautiful,
Making my dreams much more meaningful,
My future lies within you.

Telling you how much I love you,
Is not da way to make you go,
I may have use da wrong way to say so,
Yet da reason is I'm afraid that you never know.

You're da one I have been waiting for,
It's a miracle that you walk into my life,
Thank you is all I can say and loving you is what I can do,
This I promise you forever..

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*SamLoveJasForever*
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I Miss You!!

Suddenly got da urge to write something here before I leave work..
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JAS CHENG,

LOU KUNG I MISS YOU!!I LOVE YOU!!FROM LOU POR.

SAM SU

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Happie Anniversary

Didnt had enough of sleep this morning, was talking to my dear on da phone, she's getting reallie freak out about her up coming results,which is reallie worrying her till she couldnt get to sleep,poor gal right?Having a bad sorethroat, late for work & forgotten to bring my work tag, haha isn't this a bad monday blue start?I nearly wanted to like take leave for da day but thinking that there are some reports that I need to hand in today so here I am in da office now..

I'm writing this while everyone is out of da office for lunch, I seriously like morning and lunch time cos where I could surf & do anything that I want, full freedom is here without any eyes behind me watching my back =P

Now, I reallie understand how love can change a person(da power of love), looking at my 2 close friends who are couples together for a very long time going through da downs lately & luckily I guessed both of them manage to work things out & yet I do feel a change in one of them where da way she sees love & da way she is now is kinda different. In a way you would say people learned & changed from past experiences in love which I truly agree but there are good n bad changes also. Maybe I'm da one finding it uncomfortable with her change where she says this is a good change for her that she's learning to be more mature & future oriented. Whatever change is it my fren, I hereby wishing you all da best in happiness and your future as well.As long you're happie,I'll be happie as well for you.

As for me,how's my life?Em everything been kinda settledown and balance up. Emotionally and rationally, I doesnt confused myself too much with worries & troubles as I understand to learn & take things the way they are.Meaning if you push yourself too harsh, end up you live in misery.If you push others too hard, end up they will leave you.If you want things to work perfectly as they are, den let it flow naturally. If you get a return, tat's bonus and if you dont,den just wait for your luck to come =)

Dear's results coming out loo..let's cross our fingers for her k?Oh yeah happie 10th month anniversary dear, this anniversary may seem different from da anniversaries that we had yet it's still a special & beautiful day for me..love you^*^

Beautiful Pictures of Her..

My bro's boyfriend jst transferred da pics from da digital camera to a CD & I just got it like few days ago. Looking at da pictures, I started to smile & I end up with tears. I realise I actually took lots of pics of her,those silly & cute look of hers, knowing that she doesnt like to take pics so I'll need to take them secretly & if she's reading this,blackmail me please if you doesnt wan those pictures to be out there!*LOL*It's kinda heartbreaking to see those beautiful pictures where there are special memories behind them yet I felt sweet to see da way she smiled, it reallie brighten up my day =)

Have you ever wonder what's da purpose of love?Why do you want to love him/her so much?What can you do to ensure this relationship?

As for me, da purpose of love is love & be love where I'll love her and she'll love me as well for da reason of happiness and let nature takes its way for da relationship.I believe we learn to change from every relationship we have gone through and with bad experiences,it does mark a phobia about love or a scar in a person's heart. Imagine how big impact love brings into our life & from my dear, I learned something too which I'm happie to know it now.

I aint know whether what sort of relationship are we now cos it seems undefined of our status.Verbally, da word 'break up' didn’t came out from any of us,technically it seems like we are,practically I dunno and emotionally I still do love her very much(I dun think I need to highlight this right?,hehe).So what did I learn from her?I learn my mistakes & my stupid attitude;I neglected how others feels & forgetting da limits,I am so self-centered & stubborn that I doesn’t listen to others,I am an attention seeker while doing most of da talking & not letting others to talk,I admit I'm a bad listener with a kiasu(a hokkien dialect term meaning 'cannot lose' atttitude) and last but not da least I am over emotional that cause me easily bad tempered & she became my poor victim(I'm lack of understanding).

Phew, you might be wondering what kind of gal am I right?Keke,well I was kinda down knowing all these cos I never thought I could be this bad,really!But now I feelt better, at least I know my own weaknesses and I'll learn to change then.Hopefully it's not too late & I ask for forgiveness from my dear,family & friends,sorrie for this terrible attitude & you all bear with me.I'm so lucky to have all of you with me.Thanks people(especially you dear)!

I doesn’t wanna be so stubborn seeking for answers now cos I guess it's not neccesary, love is not like an exam where for every questions or problems, there's a definite answer for it. We got to let go of love and when it comes back to you, you'll know da answer.There's isnt a need to ask from explainations for everything from your love one if you trust her cos I feel she will explain or tell you when she wants to.Understanding plays a important role in a relationship & I'm learning on how to understand her & also da people around me.

Good luck to me to find out who I reallie are,knowing more bout myself & chasing away all da bad things& attitude about sam!Good luck in my love as well where for this lifetime,I know I only love her, no one could replace her in my heart & I'll continue to be by her side with love & care,my promise for her.

Down =(

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JJ Lin(林俊傑): Down
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I can't believe it,
Tell me I'm dreaming,
That we are still we,
It was amazing,
Said you were lucky,
That you found me..

It was on a rainy day, that we met you didn't have a place to go,
As we just met so let's go slow, but no you just told me to keep you from the cold,
Sorry, I cant take it,
Why did you fake it?
Why did we kiss?

And I'm just down,
You left me with a note without a sound,
I figured I must stop being such a child,
You never know how much I've been around,
How my heart just rounds of your down..

I'll be your teddy bear,
I'll be your clown,
I'll take you round and round and,
If you don't mind I can be your standing crowd,
Even if that means I drown,

And maybe that will be my one last vow..

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Da End
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Another nice song would wanna intro here, basically it's another song that sings out my heart or how I'm feeling now.

She May Be Gone Now Yet My Love Remains,
She May Forgotten Who I Am Yet I Still Remember,
She May Have Lost Da Feelings Yet I'm Still Having Them,
She May Not Know How Much I Love Her Yet There Isn't A Need To Tell Her.

I'm Glad That We Met Cos You Make Me Realise I Could Love&Miss Someone This Much..

Failure..

Yesterday standing next to the train track, waiting for my train to come, suddenly da word 'failure' strike on my mind about myself. I realise I was a total failure in life. I couldnt manage my life well, couldnt ask my dear to stay, making a whole mess of my close friends' life, unplanned for my career & future, stuck with debts & financial aint stable.Sigh, being so naive that life was kinda perfect where everyday I wake up feeling da love from my dear with a direction towards our goal/dreams, felt I was da luckiest gal on earth having her by my side.I was totally in love!

And now, losing da love make me directionless, I'm alone now where I didnt know where to go. Do I belong to this place is another question?I feel tired & breathless sitting down here where everything seems grey & life isnt good at all. I have no one to blame on but myself.Everything is down n down for me. Where is da laughter that I always have on my face?Where is da cheerful Sam?Where are my goals or dreams?I fail to live my life & how could I love her when there's nothing I can give her?

Had some problems with da best & closest frens and again I found out another problem with me, another mistake that I made. I seem to have a communication problem, da over openess & friendliness of me makes people misunderstand me. I might be trying to please everyone that I could or mayb indirectly I'm trying to make everyone to like me?I doesnt know da answer ya.As a friend, I hope to be a good & nice one where when you need me, I'm there with you giving da support you need & we hang out together doing all da crazy things that we can BUT I aint a flirtatious person k?Calling nicknames or darling or watsoever doesnt give any direct message that I wanna flirt with you.Now I understand why my dear thinks I'm flirtatious, no matter how many times I defend myself saying I'm not yet she's still doubtful about it.Okie, finalize this, I got a communication problem!!I shouldnt play with this kind of words where not everyone thinks alike me.I should have understand & place in some limitations about this to avoid misunderstanding.I'm so sorry to you people if I ever interfere your life about da way I communicate,I'm so so sorry. I doesnt mean to hurt or upset anyone in my life especially my dear.

I would need time to understand to know more about myself, so dont be surprised that one of these days I'm asking about what do you think of me?describe me?Cos I wanna know more what sort of impression do I give to u gals.I would reallie appreciate some feedback,good or bad jst let me know.At least, I dont wanna repeat da same mistakes over n over again gua.It may be late to change yet it's better den never(lol defending myself!)

Lately, I'm da one sitting down listening to people where I would shut my mouth n listen to others.I talked too much for attention & not giving any chance for people to talk at all.Haha,now gals,whoever you are, it's ur time to talk where I'll listen.

Awww..I miss her so much,missing her huggies & kisses..I wonder does she miss me too?

*Dear God, thanks for listening to me & thank you God for giving her da ptptn loan that she wants,though she's a bit upset she manage to get half of da loan, God pls forgive her upset, I hereby thank you cos it's better den nothing & we should appreciate all da blessing from you.Thanks GOD!Please forgive us on all our mistakes & sins we have made.Right now I would need ur blessings on her results,please please please let her pass & lead us da right way to da right path.God,both of us are a bit lost where we doesnt know where should we go,give us da enlightment & show us.Thanks God for everything you have given to us & shower us with love & support.In da name of Jesus,Amen*

Material City..

Do you realise how relax & enjoy I am when I'm out from da city?Simply because I have grown up in da city of Malaysia,Kuala Lumpur, a city full of cars,buildings,people,stress and living over here you'll learn well about being realistic & materialistic.

If you wanna train someone to grow up, to learn da bright side & dark side of da world, telling them da truth about life, send them to here. People here talk differently like what da chinese saying says "Meeting ghost den they'll speak ghost language & meeting human den they'll speak human language" which is TRUE, city people are realistic because of da cost of living and lifestyle here. A great example is when you started to work, with salary range from rm1800-rm2000, you thought you could save a lot of money in ur savings but at da end of da month when you reach to ur atm machine, you realise that u're left with like RM10?haha that does happen to me last time..

In da city area, people judge you by da way you look, u dress well & professional, they assume you're working well in a big MNC(Multi National Company) & if you speak well, people finds you're well educated & if you say u wanna retired by da age of 30, they thinks u're unrealistic. People in da city working everyday for da sake of more money & at da same time spending more as well.Their mind is so stuck up with da word "MONEY" and they live in tremendous stress & tension.

That's why I need to get away from da city at times & I reallie love it when I'm in Alor Star or in Penang.In da bus or in da car, when I'm getting further & further away from da city, I feel my mind being more relax & I could start breathing again!Looking at da scenery out there, it may seem nothing but few trees,some hills, paddy fields around or a big sea in front yet all this got my head out of city.

My dear may not know that when I'm in da city, I feel stressed about my mission impossible dream & most of da time I keep thinking what are da ways to get closer to my dreams?How to make more money?I wanna buy LV & Prada too.I wanna walk into shopping complex & buy buy watever I want for my love one.I wanna find da best home for my family and you.I wanna get da car that you have been dreaming of.*Piaks*Wake Up*Yeah it's just a dream, it may never work out(being pesismistic) or da impossible can be possible one(being optimistic), so it's up to u whether how you wanna take it.For me, I do dream yet being realistic as well. I know how far I can go & what are da limitations around me.Most of da time I big talk oni just to make you feel much relax & calm down a bit.

Hopefully tis city hasnt change you too much ya my dear,just wanna let you know that I have dreams yet I'm down to earth about it =) and I love dreams cos dreams will be closer to wat i want, we need dreams to let us know where are we heading to I feel.

Whatever I mentioned above is how I feel oni.Aint saying I'm right or wrong.Give me feedback about dreams and realistic & what sort of impression to I give to you?I wanna learn more about myself =P

Be Happie Forever

Okie I admit I'm emotional, a very emotional person cos after reading this post, you'll be wondering what sort of gal I am cos after noon,my dear msg me asking me how I am, I was thinking to reply or not and den I make up my mind, she did nothing wrong, why should I stay away or run away from her right?I shouldn’t be so childish running and avoiding when ad problem is already stuck right in front of my face. I always pijak her say why she avoid problems, ada mulut cakap olang, talak mulut cakap sendiri pulak me. LOL *digging my own grave*so dun think so much and stay beside as a friend den as I already said that I doesn’t wanna fall in love nor think about love, let me continue achieving my dreams n goals ba where I think da amount of effort I fork in will result in what I want(more fair right?)
So people, read this clearly, if she thinks she wanna remain as friends with me, I'm fine with it. If she thinks she wanna continue this relationship, I'm fine with it too..haha I'm so flexible,don’t I?As long we don’t make ourselves as enemies, I guess anything would do =) cheers!

When You Say Nothing At All..

I wanted to email her but I didn’t.I tried typing few times but there wasn’t any words that I could start with.I didn’t know what else could I say.Today is da weirdest day of my life where I felt emotionless,directionless and expressionless.I didn’t smile through the whole day.I wasn’t in da mood to talk.All I wanted to do was going back home and sleep.My first time where I wanted to go back home so much.

Da whole morning,I felt as though I worked as a construction labour,feeling so tired.Wondering what have I done for da past one month?Da answer is wandering around and doing nothing.A lot of questions and debating sessions could get stuck in my head and I'm controlling myself not to think cos as what some of them say, no point thinking or asking so much when she doesn’t have any feelings.I doesn’t know why my instinct tells me that she's afraid of something(I doesn’t know what is it).She's thinking about it & she don't know how to confront/approach it.

Even I,myself now doesn’t know what to do about myself.For da past one month, she might be thinking I'm enjoying my time with friends, going out everyday till night only get back home. She may not realise that I have been doing that cos I'm afraid to think too much?Trying to push my fears away?Pulling up my confidence level?Finding da "lost" me?I miss you so much and I'm afraid to find you. When you were next to me, I wanted to ask you yet I'm afraid of upsetting you till da day I felt your touch again,your care & kiss, I though things were gonna get better and doesn’t know why everything suddenly got down again.I know I need to talk to you, I know I wanna see you but I'm so scare to do so.

Thanks to friends who has always been here with me.I doesn’t know where am I heading to right now.Just let me drown myself alone cos I know it aint easy to forget this love for her. I would avoid seeing everybody & I'm deciding to leave this place.Please don’t say it's not worth it or I'm silly.If you were me, you will know how does this feels.

I sincerely do hope & wish for da best for me & her.I'll still remain my love & trust in her.Hopefully everyone don’t get her wrong.It's not her fault nor her mistake.Maybe things just don’t work out da way we want to. Don't blame her for anything okie?I know she's a great friend to be with & a good listener to share your problems.Just sit quietly next to her & you'll realise how perfect she is =) & that's how she captivate my heart,being in da center of my attention.

Wishing her best of luck in her coming results & her PTPTN loan application & may happie days follow her everywhere.If one day, you feel you're alone,being next to you is where I belong.Let's cheerup =) to welcome da happie go lucky days to come!!!!!Shoo shoo all da bad things away…shooo shoo all da sad sad away…shoo shoo all da worries/stress/tension/pressure away…ShOOooooo ShoOOoOooo...

How I wish you were brave enough to tell me that you do love me..

I'll Never Get Over You Walking Away, I Thought I Have It All & At Da End I Realise I Have Nothing More

I woke up in da morning with a sad heart,swollen eyes and looking around my room. Saw da flowers she gave me(1 for valentine,1 for my first day of work & another for my convocation),hugging da tarepanda she bought for me frm da SS2 pasar malam, watching da pictures of she & I in da purse she bought for me(as christmas gift), carrying da bag she gave me as a new year present, wearing da purple crystal bracelet she gave me as da first time using her salary to buy me a present & da most heart breaking is da ring she gave me on my birthday.

Yesterday, 13th August 2006, finally I broke down in front of andrea and chin, my first time crying so much & hugging drea telling her that I do love jas, I reallie do. It was my first time dare to admit that I'm a coward as well, I dont dare to face her cos I dont dare to accept da fact & truth that she doesnt love me anymore, she doesnt have feelings for me already. I'm too afraid to know this cos I couldnt accept that her feelings has fade away for me.

10 months ago, I still remember every single thing, every single place we go, every joke we crack, every gifts we exchange, every care & support, every love we gave..everything is still in my mind. Yesterday she messaged "I hope you will enjoy your new life".Does she know that I doesnt have a new life now?I'm still living in hell, thinking about us, I didnt know what happen and what cause us ending up like this. Even if i'm wrong yet I doesnt know where's my mistakes.I was just left alone in da middle of da endless road.

She may think that no matter how hurt or sad I am, I'll have friends around me. Yes, I do have them with me but what fills up my mind is you,jas cheng. I thought I have everything I need, I got a happie family, starting up my career, great friends hanging out with me and da best girlfriend.

So naively, I thought that when feelings are there, everything can be solve.I trusted god and fate so much. Thought life & love was fair, I knew giving and taking will not end up da same amount yet I felt everything was so beautiful for me when I have you dear. Now I realise that I never had this much of pain & hurt in my heart before,I never did. It's still very pain,very pain & there's nothing I can do but to let this pain go on and on.

Thanks to friends who has been with me, I truly appreciate your care & support. I have been avoiding myself for da past one month with hopes that everything will be fine, thought she would give a second chance to this relationship, giving my fate to her by believing she still love me & that's da reason why I went out as much as I could cos I didnt wanna go home alone, looking at everything of us & spending time thinking about us.

Today,now is da time back to my home, being alone in my room, time for me to drown myself as much as I could. I felt tired, very tired.I woke up with migraines,with headaches,with worries,fears & a sour heart everyday,so scared she'll let go of me..I couldnt take it seeing her walking away..imagine my happiness & love & future gone..how does it feel?

Tears running down from my eyes just how rain falls, heart feeling da pain that I never did, I knew this time did hit me hard, I fall deep in love this time..

Wish I could write more but I couldnt cos tears are rolling down again..shall continue later k?

I love her so much but why...

*Thanks for da lovely flowers, dont reallie care whether you wanted to give it to me or not yet as long it's from you, I reallie do feel sweet*

*-Love-*

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Keith Urban: Tonight I Wanna Cry
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Alone in this house again tonight,
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine,
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me,
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me,
I'll never get over you walkin' away..

(Chorus:)
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show,
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control,
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain,
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain,
From my eyes,
Tonight I wanna cry..

Would it help if I turned a sad song on,
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone,
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters,
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better,
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way..

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Message of Da Day
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Wohoo thanks chin for recommending this song, though yeah it's reallie sad enuff to listen to da song yet it doesnt mean sad songs are meant for sad situations or for sad people. Da lyrics are very meaningful to think about ourselves before making da same mistake & losing da one we love.

It's never late to tell ur love one how you feel, no matter good or bad, it's always wise to share with them anything if u want to, dun hold urself back about ur feelings,fears,worries,laughter,tears & jst tell them wat u want. Da one you love would stand by ur side and listen to u by giving da support that you need. Never think that showing ya weakness is da same as losing ur pride cos if you do, you gonna lose her as well.

Doesnt know what my dear been thinking lately, she felt that our thinking has changed that cause a gap or a difference between us. Anyhow, mayb i'm too stuck with da word love, where I'm still wondering whether does she still love me?till I dont sense da change?Em I doesnt know, for me, everything is simple, I love her so I accept everything about her(mayb she feels that I dont cos she emphasize that I say I'll understand her yet in da end it does bother me about it again) & I'm willing to accept any changes.

I do understand humans change as da world rotates and in a relationship, feelings changes as well. It depends on how much we wanna compromise and cope with da changes?For me yes, if there's a change den talk it out and let both parties know what's happening. I always prefers talking while she prefers to use actions/"feel it" but our main prob is whenever there is a issue/problem raise between us, we didnt confront it face to face worrying that we would upset or hurt each other(isnt tat sweet?keke).Probably I did hurt her(I think) that when I say I understand or I will try to understand BUT I didnt. I'm too self-centered where I just listen to myself. Guess I didnt open my heart & mind to listen to her, how she reallie feel inside, den things started to change where she start to hide herself away frm me, slowly dislike talking to me, didnt know how to approach me and soon feelings start to change as well.

Again,watever I mentioned above is how I feel & think, reality I doesnt know how she feels till she gonna sit down heart to heart & face to face telling me(I'm reallie praying for this day). I doesnt reallie care right now how much pain & hurt & how many times I cry already cos it doesnt matter anymore as she doesnt care. I seriously need her to be happie cos I mayb selfish as I doesnt listen to her BUT i aint selfish to see her happie. Seeing her happie & smile is da best part of my life. I doesnt wanna be your burden dear, I wish I could be your happie go lucky lou por with you as long as I could.

It may be late to say so much cos I know once someone get hurts, some may heal & some may not & some would heal with a scar inside. I'm trying to be strong to confront this by myself and preparing for a day where she would want me to leave.She has been part of my life & future, that's why it hurts so much when she avoid & ignore & left me unwanted alone, I felt da whole world fall hard on me.

If it's my mistake causing this misery, I'm sorry to you dear & it's up to u now whether you wanna give this relationship another chance. I have said what I need to, sad & tears has been drowning myself too much till I doesnt know who am I, feelings for her still going strong cos I love & care about her so much that I doesnt want to see her sad. I reallie dont want.

Hope she would be able to make up her mind,think twice about us and if she feel it's time to let go den what could I say?I would wish her happiness in everything she does & stay by her side.I doesnt need to emphasize about my feelings for her cos I wouldnt wanna stress her about it, probably she would think I'm troublesome & only know da word "love".Imagine when I message her a love msg, her reply was "love again?".I knew that my messages wouldnt sound da same to her d, I knew she wouldnt wanna feel da love I'm giving d. It's sad,yes it is & I'm still praying for some miracle to happen.

Dear, feel my love sincerely to you, it's a simple love that wants happiness from you.Love may not be a big word or carry a meaning to you and yet it's how i describe about you. When I count my blessings, I count twice when I think of you,you're an angel send above for me.Wish you could open up your heart & let me know what you think of me.This is something I reallie want to know no matter good or bad.

Spices In Life..

Doesnt know why I felt boring or lifeless about myself,thinking about how everyday I'm gonna live my life, in a way it seems meaningless,imagine working is a daily routine thingy,outing with friends, hang over with girlfriend at times,spending time at home and most of da time in front of da pc.That's all I have been doing and suddenly I felt 'dead' about this. I felt there can be something better for me to do where I can enjoy life better. Da word 'travelling' pops into my mind, is this something that I want?

From my graduation till now, frankly I didnt reallie had a nice,cool & relax travelling where I could sit back and enjoy da sunshine on my face,da sand under my feet and da sea right in front of me, I wanted a honeymoon trip with my dear for us to have a good heart on heart time together & unfortunately we didnt have da chance to. She was busy with her friends ever since she started her holidays and later I found my job. We seem to be spending time lesser with each other.

Whenever we do meet up, those touches & huggies with kisses seem to flown away or I'm da one making da approach, I seem to be de-motiavated, de-supportive.At some days, I wish I could receive sweet msgs..miss u..love u..have a good start day..Aint saying that she doesnt cares about me,she does.I know she does.

Da question would be am I expecting something?Expecting surprises?gifts?sweet words?praise?compliments?or a return?Now that's a good question.That's why I named this as spices in life, I need to go and read some self-help book, see what can I do to spice up my life.

Definitely not my relationship problem,everything is working out so far(I feel)hehe..my dear results gonna come out next week & pretty sure her hormones are getting imbalance d since her family is on da 'sick' situation(pity her mum da most!) & she'll be tension about da results..

Dear God,I know I have been praying a lot to you lately asking for many many things.All I pray for now is da best of health for my dear and her family, good luck in her exams results and myself(hope I get to find where I'm lost).Thanks God.*Amen*

*Announcing on my convocation this coming Saturday,12th August 2006*Though yeah it's a boring convocation yet da time I have been waiting has come.I'm reallie looking forward of da day where I'm with my robe&my scroll right in front of my family,my dear n friends.Da sense of achievement sharing with my love ones seems great!!!

BreakUp

Yesterday watched midnight movie named 'Breakup' with my dear,andrea & chin.I was expecting a normal break up and patch up story and end up with a great surprise to myself cos in da movie,da main actress Jennifer Aniston played da role of a gal name Brooke who emotionally was like me.So,it sounded and seem like a real life movie of me myself emotionally in da movie where she was craving for attention,care and most importantly appreciation from her boyfriend,Gary.Gary is a guy who is reallie egoistic,childish and didnt understand why Brooke was asking & nagging him about this & that. Practically I felt da movie was more to a down to earth movie where it does happen in our real life situation that couples do face it everyday.

Da moral of da story would be learn to appreciate your love one while they are still with you, da reason they are doing everything for you is because they love you & let them know how to you feel about them & understand them as well. Da one who's with you right now cannot promised that they will be with you forever, they will try as long you know how to appreciate them else you'll lose them in da end. Appreciate chances that are given in life, they dont come easily as you want,grab those chances well and make sure you know how to use them.

Life has been treating me kinda well lately, where looking at myself & comparing to others, I have less obstacles to face with. Right now I believe that I doesnt need to worry so much about love cos I learned something from a friend where she told me, once you have found da "one" for you & you know that she loves you den you doesnt need to worry about this relationship too much, you shall stay focus with your dreams,your career and your future & make sure she knows she's part of it. Da lesson she gave me change my mind & da situation that I have gone through change a bit of myself too. I used to think that love is all I have & love is my life and now I guess I had a little grown up session where love is still what I want, love is part of my life now & I wanna continue achieving my 5 year plan of dreams,it may sounds a little over that I would want this n that within 5 years, even my dear would doubt that I'm gonna make it, yet it's still my dreams and I'll hold on to it.

As for my dear, dont worry too much about what's gonna happened to you, I pray and pray for da best of luck in your studies & I reallie wish for da day where I could see you graduating as a law student.Best of luck for both of us...love you

Jealousy..

Topic of da day is jealousy..Pretty scary uh tis word?!It was a scary word for me cos of my first relationship.I remembered cleary that 6 years ago,in my first relationship,I was a horrible person!I had a very bad tempered,gets moody & emotional very easily,dependent on my partner like a parasit & jealousy was like my surname.Imagine that >_<

Those were da days & I started to changed since when my first relationship ended.Of cos I learned & changed from each relationship with my partners & friends as well.I'm glad & thought that I was able to handle jealousy well and yesterday I realise I wasnt or it is normal to be jealous at times?

Imagine you walking into your girlfriend's room and you realise that her ex-gf is sleeping next to her everynite on da same bed,how would you feel?Thinking about each day, both of them spending days & hours together.I aint doubting or saying about their friendship & what I'm trying to emphasize here would be I'm jealous about it.She didnt realize that when I saw da cat(Chi Chi) which belongs to da bitch & my cat(Sam) was being ignored next to her, I actually took da Chi Chi and threw it on da floor.I was mad,jealous and furious!I asked myself what am I doing?Why did I reacted this way?

I admit I was wrong to do so, it's her property, it's part of her room as well so I shouldn’t have done it right?I'm sorry!(admit my mistakes when I'm wrong)BUT opening da door,looking at my own girlfriend, next to her I see another gal's pillows,booster and watever dolls, immediately I was moody. I controlled myself, I knew I couldn’t afford to sleep next to my girlfriend cos da jealousy was there.I couldn’t stand myself sitting in da room as well, so I came out from da room & sat in da living room questioning myself.

My heart(emotionally) and my mind(rationally) was debating with each other.One would say how could this happened?Arent they suppose to be just friends?Why do they need to sleep on da same bed?De other would say hey if u trust her den why are you doubting & being jealous?they are just friends "right"?maybe she have a valid reason?Finally, somehow somewhere I calm down myself & said to myself, stop debating among myself & ask what I wanna know. She woke up and I asked yet though da reason wasn't reallie that acceptable. I accepted it as it is cos I didn’t know what else could I do. If I were to continue jealousy & being moody, am I creating another issue here between us?We just started to get back together,trying to smooth da relationship, do I wanna spoilt it again?

I told her I was jealous about it when she drove me back home & as usual I told her by sms(as you know I usually doesn’t tell her my dislikes/I tell without saying it face to face).No reply nor response from her, I guessed she was very tired already da whole day we went out & so sorry that need you to drive here & there, aint near at all plus you only slept like 3 hours, guess I was a little over playful to have fun with you. Sorrie didn’t "tai tip" about that, I would be more aware of this next time =P.What I reallie hope is she got my message correctly, I'm jealous cos she still love you & I know how much she wants you desperately & I doesn’t know what she has been doing behind my back to you & as your girlfriend+friend, I doesn’t wanna control your privacy,life,freedom & space so I trust you to have your capability to handle your situation yourself.I was glad to see two separate beds though "yeah,it doesn’t mean nothing couldn’t happen" yet I thought good you make da first move to have a better clean break up with her but den ystday I knew both of you continue sleeping next to each other.It was a emotional breakdown(not in terms of tears),it's anger+jealousy=moody,get it?I think what I need my dear to understand is put your feet in my shoes,imagine if you were me,probably you'll understand me better.

I have being trying to accept da bitch(sorry for calling her this,she hates me & it doesn’t mean I like her k?)existance & how far can I take it is a big question!I feel that no matter how much I can take it,it depends on what my girlfriend is doing as well.Is she making da moves to let da bitch know is a clean breakup that they are just friends?Did my girlfriend ensure to me that it's reallie nothing between them & watever da bitch does,she doesn’t bother?It's not only da sleep together thingy that cause da jealousy, there are also minor minor stuffs as well too.Em I feel that in such situation,I need some support from her.I doesn’t wanna repeat to be a horrible person k?I'm jealous cos I love and care about you & at da same time I don’t want this jealousy to control my emotions as well.

No matter how dear,if you're reading this, just doesn’t want you to misunderstand my message, it's not a protest or throwing my tantrums again, I'm just jealous...