Christmas & Birthday In Singapore 2006

*We in VivoCity*

*Behind Us Da Diamond Xmas Three in Bugis Junction*

*Birthday Dinner at Da Hooters,Clarke Quay!*

*Another Snap in Bugis Junction*

*Posting in Paragon*

Sorrie for da late upload here!!Was picking which are da best pictures to put up so I picked a few and here is it*Nice memories & sweet ones too*Oh Singapore~~

Heart Attack Message With Surprising Flowers

Heyo bloggie..few days ago I got da shocked of my life when I received a message from her that she was saying about chasing her back,wanna choose her and wanna express tis during on Valentine's day.My heart was breaking into pieces,was already walking to my fren with watery eyes and guess what,she send da wrong message to me.It wasnt for me to read,it was for someone else and da 'she' she was mentioning is ME =P*haha*Honestly,at that moment,I stunned during my lunch hour,didnt know how should be my reaction.I felt as though I came back alive from death.I laughed at myself after that,feeling so funny.Never been through such moments before and as for my fren who saw me during tis situation,she say "You were hoping something,dont you?".I guess I have my answers.

I'm happie right now by da way we are,both of us just want a simple and happie relationship.I do stressed that I doesnt wanna be a 3rd party or another option to be chose.I dont want others coming in and walking out interrupting my life either.All this while I have been a goodie,understanding and accepting this and that but now,I learned up to be a little selfish and self-protective.I wanna be someone in her life.Not as another alternative when she dont have anyone or let's just say I dont wanna be a 'choice' that needs her to make a decision.

How things between her n de other gal?Well,I dont know and I'm not bothered to know either.She should know what to do and how to do.I'm just here to sit and listen =)

On Friday night,she suddenly came over asking me to accompany her for dinner.So,I change my clothes & get myself ready.Surprisingly,she handed me a bouquet of pink champagne color roses!!My first new year surprise!!I was reallie delighted and felt touch at da moment.One rose,two roses..twelve roses.First time she send tis much of flowers to me*lol*It's reallie sweet..reallie and I'm happie!Scorpios,when they do something,they make sure it would be a unforgettable one,now I reallie believe in this!Look at da picture,they're reallie beautiful right?Thanks dear,you cheer me up*muacks*

Finally Admiting My Jealousy..

Tonight after work,I'm going to Borders to look for da lucky book.There are questions that I wanna ask da book and a friend of mine ask me how much does da book cost,I answered around Rm30?She replied "So cheap,why not just buy it rather den going all da way there to read da book?".Well for me,I feel it's a sincerity going there and as usual I believe in fate.Wanna test out how much fate do I have with this book.

How are things between me and her?Seriously,I doesnt know how to answer you that but I'm glad of something yesterday.We had a little chat in MSN and she was saying that she thought we could be together for a long time but yet we doesnt match.She couldnt accept and bear my bad temper.And this time,I'm ready to spill my beans to tell out everything I feel from top till bottom,just da general ones without da details.So here I'm gonna write down da details too,whether she gonna read and know this or not,it's not important to her anymore.

Do you how I wish that you were able to make a decision that you chose me?That you decided to be with me?But da reality is not da same.Though physically you are,but in your heart,I still feel she's there.How many times when we were out together,she called?"Where are you","Coming back?" and etc.How do you expect me to feel?Probably you would have answered me "Just friends".Put your feet in my shoes please.

I put my trust and confidence,all on you and with da betrayal incident.I can hardly believe in myself,I was forcing through da incident and asking myself to forgive and forget.I had a very hard time alone you know?To accept someone you love to betray you,behind you is not easy especially I gave my trust to you.Have I ever doubt you,asking you to shift out or asking her to leave out of da house?Instead stupidly me,I let her stay with you.I didnt mind?I did mind!I hate her*da bitch*she hurt you and you hurt me?I'm jealous when I see both of you being so close,I would convince myself that both of you are friends.Have I ever ask you to explain da status between both of you?NO!Never cos I wanna believe you again.I thought that after da incident,you're clear about yourself with me but again reality is different again.All this while am I lying to myself?You and her were more then friends,da intimacy and closeness is not as simple as I assume.Why am I so foolish?Because I love you and I wanna keep you beside me?But I realise da more I want you,da more you're going away.Jealousy & insecurity is how I have been feeling but I never tell you.I wanna be da understanding one,da one who understands your situation,da one gonna bear da good and bad about you.But I failed.

I thought that being fierce/strict and throwing my temper on you is a way I can show you that I have anger too.I wanna use this way to control you,to make you feel scared.I hated myself being so impulsive and treating you bad.Each time throwing temper on you,I gonna hold my tears back and I feel bad about it.Reallie bad.Do you know all this my dear?Da answer is no..You know why each time I'm upset when you doesnt overnight at my place?Cos I couldnt bear to accept another gal sleeping next to you!

When Master Wong repeately said "Just be happie",I knew he knews how unhappie I am.I cried in your arms where you dont realise.Reason why I'm not happie?Again her.Why is it that this person repeatedly walking into our lives and making me feel sick?You wanna be friend with her,sure no probs but shouldnt there be a little distance?

She got a new love in her life now and your reaction?You were mad and sad & terribly hurt.Reason?Cos she means something to you dear.Dont doubt that you doesnt have anything for her.Dont lie to yourself and me.

I never ask anything from you but please be honest with me.If you're not settled with her den please let me know.At least I wont let myself fall in so hard and when I realise that you and her still have something on,it's hard for me to come out.If you feel I'm not da right one for you,please let me know too so that I doesnt put hopes anymore.

If it's my temper problem,I wanna you think of this,look at da past one year,da times that we had,is my temper that bad that it could cover da whole relationship?Think twice.I wanna you to look into my situation too that what has been causing me like this?

I'm not here to blame you or me.I do agree that we do have faults in our relationship but each time we just avoid and forget.When can we reallie sit down and solve it together(I reallie wish)?Maybe no chance?Cos da way you sounded is no more chances for this relationship anymore.

I work hard on this relationship,giving you da best that I can and asking for no return.I only wish you could love me and give in to this relationship.I never give up and I hope so does you.I want a simple relationship,I dont want inteference,no 3rd parties or anymore bitches.I have been too understanding till I lost myself.Where is me?I'm mad,angry and I dont like you being so close to her.Yes,I repeat I hate it!No point saying it here when I doesnt show out and you doesnt know.

I'm realie happie yesterday telling you my jealousy cos I though I could be so understanding and angelic that I didnt mind nor care about you and her.In my heart,as a normal woman,I do care and mind.I always emphasize da word understanding because I wanna you to know that there are some situations I reallie couldnt understand & I doesnt how to react and finale is me fatt pei hei or lau gai.

How I wish I can say all this in front of your face.I wanna you to listen every beat of my heart,every thought of my mind and everything of me!Da hatred,anger,jealousy,love,misses,care and everything that I feel I wanna tell you.I wish I could break down,cry and hug you.Maybe I would if this is da end of us.

Happie and sweet moments being with you was da 'will' that kept me strong.Some ask me how did I forgive you?I told them that some people are worth another chance and some dont.For me,you're worth.I love you so much dear that I doesnt bother those mistakes you have made simply because I feel why bother when most of da time,you're being caring,sweet and nice?Most importantly because I felt 'you love me'?

Having you around,I felt happie where all my troubles are just behind me somewhere.With your care,I felt pampered.With you,I wanna have dreams & future with you.

So you thought we gonna be together for a long time but we doesnt match?(Think twice about this before making out this statement)

I no longer gonna push myself to you,no longer gonna talk n talk n talk so that you will keep on trying in this relationship.If you feel that this relationship is not working and you doesnt wanna give it a try,just let me know that you wanna be friends.It takes two hands to clap and it takes both parties to work out da relationship.

I'm here standing and do let me know da answer when you're ready that will you be still standing here with me too?

Thanks dear*You're da best!*Heard you're sick again,take care.I'm leaving to Serendah tomorrow for a nite and let's hope it doesnt rain.*Cough cough*And hey lazy bump,do ur revision and make an effort for your studies.

http://samlovejas.blogspot.com

http://samlovejas.blogspot.com, it's suppose to be a blog for both of us,somewhere I could write my thoughts and feelings while hoping she would read this but I know she doesn’t.Too many words for her to read,too many arguments and repeating issues in here.How could she bother to read them right?Anyway,I'll still continue writing as I find this is da best place where I can tell anything I want to without limitations nor boundaries.

It's been few weeks,filling up my time with friends and activities as I wanna make sure I do stay away from her.Yesterday I got her message,saying that she wouldn’t mind if I go and find someone better,mentioning that she shouldn’t be selfish to keep me,emphasizing that she dunno how she feel about us and most importantly she highlighted that there's problem with us,just that I don’t realise.

Finding someone better.My dear,if I want to,it's not hard but da truth is my heart cant do it.Do you know that how many times I felt like a frustrations and a burden to you?I doesn’t like seeing you being worried and bothered about "us".Each time it happens,I told myself to move away from you cos I don’t see myself bringing happiness to you.At da end,I fail to do so.I couldn’t bluff myself and you that I doesn’t love you.Have you consider how do I feel when someone I love ask me to find someone else?Maybe you did but da one who feel da hurt is me.I'm not saying you're wrong.I know you're being good asking me to find someone else better for myself.I know.

You shouldn’t be so selfish keeping me?Actually da fact is,I'm da one who's selfish.I'm da one who doesn’t wanna give up on this relationship.There are many times where you said that we doesn’t match,I doesn’t understand you,I always critize or blame you,I'm controlling you and etc,I know I have my own attitude problem and I cant expect to accept who I am.Acceptance is a great challenge for every person out there and to reallie accept da good/bad of a person do depends on yourself.I do admit that I have faults too cos I do feel that there are times I doesn’t accept who you are and tat's when I started throwing my temper on you.Again dear,I know.I'm da one who doesn’t wanna give up on us.

What's da problem?I doesn’t know.Though I reallie wish to ask so that we can find a solution here but I know if I were to do so,it will worsen da whole situation.She prefers being alone,listening to herself and finding da solution by herself.Where as for me,I hope to discuss.Different style of handling matters.She want da time alone,I'll give.Reason because I know what I want and my decision.Being with you,I never change myself of how I feel for you.From da start to da "incident" to da argument,we gone through many bitter and sweet together and yet I'm still here with you dear.I doesn’t need to say nor prove anything about how I feel cos I know u understand.Eventhough you doesn’t talk a lot about how you feel for me,again I do assume your actions speaks louder.

For me,da problem is our attitude/character.

I didn’t ask for anything but you to love me.I doesn’t need you to give me da best things in da world.All I need is a assurance(mandarin is ken ting)from you about your feelings.I don’t wanna be spare tyre.I don’t wanna be a nobody in you heart.Have you ever wonder how important am I to you?Of cos you can prioritize your friends and family,I don’t mind at all but dun leave me feeling unwanted.I don’t need commitment/24 hours of your time and attention.

Maybe you'll say that again I talk to much and I'm too emphasizing about relationships.What I speak here is from myself,I'm not trying to critize you anything or pushing u to do anything.Oh please,I don’t wanna be pushy at all.My over care and over sensitive may drag me to all this and I'm sorrie.I'm kinda blunt where I understand words better den I see your actions.Sometimes I would need you to talk to me & it will somehow wake me up to listen to you.Understand?

Each time when this situation happens,I'll keep calling you,asking you for explaination,this time is an exceptional.Not because I doesn’t care anymore,it's because I feel it's time for you to decide whether you wanna give up on us or not cos I feel all this while I'm da one standing here,now your time to choose whether you wanna stand here as well or not.Dont avoid this d.

Hey,watever that's bothering you,please oh please spend most of your time in your studies.You're just few months away from your main exam and no point for you to neglect ur studies right?If I'm bothering you,jst let me know k?We are not honey and bee,sticking to each other all da time.I may sound cold to you right now but it's for ur own good.I care but I'm not allowed to so.

If you reallie mean it about going back hometown for a week,I hope u'll come back as a more cheerful you =)

Take good care of urself my dear.If you feel scared being alone,I hope you'll realise & think of me,someone who has always been here with you

Getting Myself Back

Hey hey bloggie,

How's everything so far?Well for me I guess I had my good lesson as da start of da year cos from da argument incident that they had,it did enlighten me somehow.I understand how to handle this no commmitment relationship and not being bothered about what's been happening to them after it.I mean at first I mind about her actions and words differ and a smack on my head tells me that why should I bother so much.Things happened and it's between them,why should I be over worry about it?I was over sensitive about this,making troubles for everyone especially myself*What da heck?*I guess I accepted da fact that I cant control everything that's gonna happened in my life and back to da term that "There's always unanswered questions".Can I stop being so stubborn with my 'Wanna-know-everything' & 'Seeking answers' attitude?I think everyone around me had enough already and so do I.

By da way,I'm changing my working attitude.I guess it's not my work that's boring.It's me who doesn’t wanna do anything.There's actually a lot of things to do here if only I take da initiative to do so.So,I'm take up da responsibility and work & stop day dreaming about a better higher pay and environment job when I have a good chance here.Stop acting like a kid,Sam!*kaka*
Went up to Genting on last Friday and came back on da Sunday for my company's Kick-Off(annual dinner)there.Surprisingly,I was having my good time there.I thought I was gonne be left all alone and spending my boring time there but in fact my time was practically been filled up every now and then.Unhealthy,our breakfast+lunch+ dinner were buffet and how can I resist from varieties of food during bufftet right?*Yummy & fattening*Had drinking sessions with my colleagues and embrassingly I was drunk till I need to ask a fren of mine to send me back to my room but due to some circumstances,I wasn’t sleeping in my room.Just to cut off the elaboration,end up I was sleeping in my friend's room.It's very very very da cold up there & I believe it's my first time ever experiencing such cold weather there.Weather nowadays are getting bad as it's raining almost everyday.Johor Bahru hitted by da flood twice and Chinese New Year is coming up next month.Oh God,come,give us a good year to start and awesome CNY to celebrate okie?*Amen*

Good news I'm going to Bangkok in June(which is still far away).Yeap,got da free tickets from Airasia,so just need to pay for da airport tax which is reallie cheap and staying in Bangkok is extremely cheap my bloggie.It's like da price for 3 nites stay in Bangkok is equivalent to 1 nite stay in Singapore*pring piang*You just heard my heart breaking*Kidding*Not gonna plan so much this time as she's been there before.So this time,she's da one gonna be my tour guide & I just need to follow.Hurray!Half of one resolution accomplished this year.

Okie this weekend if I aint going anywhere,I'm gonna practice my driving skills,I wanna make sure this year I get my valid license & with 'passed' driving skills as well.Get myself more useful right?*keke*That's all for today,better get myself back to work and oh yeah,I'm sick my dear..sick..still feverish & again what do you expect right?Me sitting below da air con?Medicine?Nooooooo..

Apologies Dear

I'm sorry for hurting you yesterday,I know I was out of my mind and I understand if you had enough & couldn’t take this from me anymore.I wasn’t expecting you to forgive me cos it's my fault.Ever since da argument incident between u and her,from da ring to da slap to back to penang to friendster,it does affect me but somehow I doesn’t say nor make any actions.I don’t feel a need for me to explain how I feel as I guess u were already in a messed up situation.That night you came over & stayed in my house,it was da first time I felt you're mine.When you held my hand,hugging you to sleep,it was a unforgetable feeling.First time I felt I am yours too but when you got back home & she was still there,things changed again as slowly you felt hurt & lonely that her heart is not urs anymore.I knew that if this incident didn’t happened,you wouldn’t ask her to leave,you wouldn’t be so mad & you'll continue with the 'no status' relationship with her.I realise I didnt have you.As for me,I just doesn’t wanna make you feel frustrated anymore and reality is I got a reallie bad self-control about my emotions.Anyhow,I'm glad if both of you have settled everything nice and clean.Things has been dragging between both of you since last April.Pretty long uh?Now you doesn’t need to worry she's leaving and you're losing your friends,you still have them with you.You're not alone okie?

These you were having your emotional times and you wanted time alone.I was having this messed up mind and I wanted you.How contradiction it was..and that's why I make a big fuss about it and here we are stuck in da middle of quarreling & cold times.I don’t know what else to say nor explain as these arent da words you wanna listen.You wanna be alone and I understand.You just wanna focus in your studies,I understand two.You doesn’t wanna talk about love,I understand three.Do hate myself at times where I know how to say I understand but my actions act differently.I said she's your dependency and sub-consciously,you're mine dependency.Alright,I need to adjust myself about this.

I agree with you that I make things hard,maybe I'm not as simple as I thought I am.I'm da one making things complicated and making myself feel worse.I doesn’t understand why I have so much time to wander here and there & making stupid and wrong assumptions.While writing this,da word 'Sense of security' came out,maybe this is what I'm lacking.I doesn’t have confidence in myself,I have doubts that you doesn’t need me and I have fears that's making me unhappie.I felt threatening in my position.Always afraid that I aint important to you & being a spare tyre/person.

You have done a lot for me,it's real.I knew most of da times,you bear with me for my stupid,bad tempered me.Dear,I hope that how you're treating me is purely from your heart and not because you're scared of me.I knew messing up your room da last time makes you phobia of me but I doesn’t want because of this phobia den you're treating me good.I want you to be you.I don’t need a perfect partner.I know I think too much.I'm sorrie.I knew after da incident,you changed.You try your best to be good to me & I doesn’t seem to be satisfied.I do my dear.I do.I may have complains but it doesn’t mean I don’t know what you're doing.Let my complains be minority and just listen to my compliments & praises to you?

I'm so sorrie that I wanna make you happie but I didn’t.I wanna be a understanding person to you but I didn’t.I wanna make your life easier but I didn’t.I'm very sorrie for da things which I wanna be but ended I failed.Sorrie that I talk too much just because I want your attention,I want you to listen and I wanna listen to you too.Sorrie for every argument,I always blame everything on you and making myself feel right.Trust me,every argument that we had,I feel bad twice as much as you do.t's true that I aint da right person for you and you're right,my personality doesn’t matches yours.Find someone who can give you da happiness that you're looking for.No matter where you are,as long you're happie & I'll be too,when you need anything/someone,you should know I'm here with you.I'm reallie sorrie dear.

Thanks for da good times,times that you gave me.I truly appreciate every single little thing that you do.Da care and support you gave makes me feel warm & knowing you're always right here with me.I reallie like da way you care about me.So never say you're a bad partner ya.You have your ways being a great person.Feel thankful that you loved me.

All the above is a confession from me,everything that I need to say has been said.You may think it's another repeating problem,another repeating story and another repeating explaination from me.I just want you to know that I'm sorrie.Will keep a certain distance from you now to let you have da quiet times.

And oh yeah,I remember about da commitments & not asking you to give any commitment to me.I just hope that you love me.Hope that you'll make a decision because of me.That's all.

Cold Times

Morning Tuesday,
Reaching my office feeling sleepy again.Been sleeping a lot these days and yet I still feel sleepy.After da day she was sick where I went over to take care of her,my instincts are telling me that something is 'happening'.Dont ask me what it is cos I,myself doesn’t event know.I left here wandering as well.Wander too much and I believe I did things that pissed her off too,just to get her attention.Foolishly Sam.

Did something went wrong or did I done something wrong?Maybe it's true that everything happens for a reason and it might be better for me not to know what's da answer.Leaving her alone would be da best to give her da time and space to think of what she needs.Dear,if you're reading this,just wanna let you know that I prefer talking to you because we doesn’t live together.I couldn’t see nor feel you.By talking,I get to listen and that's how I know whether you're in da mood or not.Can't assume me to know everything right?When you wanna have time alone figuring things yourself,hey just give me a beep and let me know & not neglecting/abandon me suddenly.I'm made of flesh and blood,I aint a reptile who's cold blooded okie?

I admit I'm a bit pushy and rushy to know what went wrong with you without giving you da fresh air you need to breath in.Anyway,grow up Sam,she doesn’t need to tell you every single thing okie?She'll tell you when she need to else just keep quiet and alright I doesn’t wanna talk too much to you either as you said you prefer quiter environment.

Let da cold times begins,I wouldn’t disturb you for this moment till you figure out who and what you want.Don't take me as a spare tyre,someone you need when you have nobody and someone you leave when you have others with you.Thanks.

Take care my dear..

Happie New Year 2007

First post of da new year yet it may not sound to be a very good post.Things have changed since da beginning of da year,it's not between me and her.It's between she and da bitch.Some would say it's a good change and others might say this is the most important time to decide how me and her gonna be.

They had arguement,a big one,that involves screamings & yellings here and there,hurting each other feelings,crying,slapping and asking da bitch to move out of da house.How does it sounds to you?Well,for me,it didnt sounds good to me at all,you may wonder why?Isnt this is what I have been waiting and longing for all this while?Perhaps yes,but when it actually happened,da answer is no.I aint happie as I felt more fears in me.What sort of fears am I talking about?My rationality is telling me that she wants me when she has nobody else with her and the thing is I'm always here for her no matter how.Da bitch has been staying together with her side by side for almost 2 years and believe me,staying with someone for that much of time do cause some dependency.Da bitch was her dependency,companion and someone how shower care,love and support to her.Now,all these are missing,how would she feel?lost?lonely?depressing?

Severely questions do run up in my head and this time my brain is talking over to my heart.All this while I do make myself believe that I am someone in her life.Then da next question would be what sort of status are we in now?Answer is a relationship with no commitment.I doesnt wanna talk about commitment anymore,it's just a word to define stupid responsibilities where why do you need commitment when any of da party aint gonna give or have it?So I doesnt emphasize on commitment or love as much as I do last time.I make a mistake & I learned my lesson.After da argument incident they had,it make me realise how influencial is da bitch in her life,make me realise too that I was just a extra person,having a extra role in her life and doing extra things.This is how I feel.

She mentioned that she treated her as friends only so far.My god,how could she make such lies to me and to herself.We both know it's not only friends.Friends wouldnt sleep together,share things together & doing everything single thing together.Friends wouldnt get jealous when you're out with me.Friends wouldnt get mad when she's doesnt care about you anymore.Friends wouldnt yell at each other & felt da hurt at da end.Maybe you didnt realise but unfortunately I did.I wanted to make myself to believe that you were just friends but I guess da best proff was when you took out da ring where you claim that you bought it cos you like it,not because of her.Yet after da incident,you took it out with da reason you finally let go of da past.Da ring was something about you and her and now she has someone else in her heart,so you take it out.Da slap on your face makes your heart dies?In fact,da slap on your face makes you let go.You knew it that from then,she's not da one who loves,cares and someone who prioritize you in her life.You knew things changed,you didnt know how to accept da fact.You realise you're losing someone.

You need another proff?You mentioned that after the main exam,you wanna shift back to Penang.If this incident didnt happened,you'll continue staying here with her and remaining da close relationship with her right?Dear,you're spilling your own beans and I read them well.

This was my fear.She's losing her and she's feeling da pain.Me?What can I do now?It's between them not me.It only make me realise who am I to her.Sam do wake up,it's not as easy as it said.Let her settle whatever she needs and it's time for me to let go this time cos I find no reason to stay when I'm just a nobody to her.

A challenging year I assume,my rationality is speaking nowadays to ask me to wake up and see things clearly.I followed my heart too much causing myself in pain.I wanna believe her but her words and actions are doubting herself.I questioned her and there isn't a need for an answer cos da one she need to answer is she,herself.Happie New Year 2007!

Great and awesome fireworks we saw in Bukit Bintang area,though we didnt plan for this celebration and yet I enjoyed my time with you.No matter how life's gonna be,thanks for showing me what's happiness.She's still kinda sick right now so I pray for her health and studies.