It's Hard To Be Me

Tomorrow is da day where I'm gonna meet my country manager to discuss about my contract renewal.At this very crucial moment,my dear said she felt that she's not needed.I guess she saw da messages I wrote to my friends about my fears and worries and she thought that I'm hiding all this from her.

What is da truth?

I didnt know how to tell her that I didnt want her to be worry about my job,I didnt wanna see her to see me as a loser if I were to lose my job,I didnt wanna disappoint her and can you see all I'm worried is her?

I cried seeing da message,da way she text me isnt what I need at this moment.I'm scared and stressed,I needed support and encourgament from her instead of her thinking that I doesnt need her.Dear,how to you want me to tell you all this?I doesnt wanna see u worried,is it wrong?I dont wanna you to have da perception that you sounded like a burden to me.

Many times you said that I'm a very feminine and weak person & from each time you say,I'll remember by telling myself to be strong and tough no matter how's da situation like.Deep inside me,many tears I have wiped and I didnt tell you as you were having your exam,I myself dont wanna burden you too.I understand how you feel,I know how is it like that why your partner goes telling everything to others instead of you but do you know how much I told them?

As I ever mentioned is I'm worried my contract couldnt be renewed,my discussion with my boss is coming and I'm freaking tension,didnt I tell you all this as well?Is just da way I deliver da message to you is different.I wanted to hug you and cried,I reallie want but I'm scared you'll say I'm feminine and weak so I would try my best to show you da tough and best part of me.I dont wanna look like a kid and acting immature in front of you but da actual fact dear,I'm worried that I fail you.I dont wanna spoilt da hopes you put in me.

Seeing you worried,I feel unhappie but I know that shows you care and what I needed now is your support and encouragement,not you thinking that I dont need you,can you see this?

I reallie hope I get this message correctly to you,I aint selfish and I aint putting you aside,is just I love you so much,I cant bear to see you worried over me.

Merdeka-Holiday-Job?

Merdeka merdeka..finally da horrifying days has ended and now is da time to sit back,enjoy and play hard!!It's reallie happie to see how relieve my dear is,it's like reviving from da death(as she mentioned)*haha*By da way,could see da difference this time where she's happie that da exam is over and her efforts is not wasted,though she's a bit scared about how da results are and telling me & others that she have tried her best.I truly understand how she feels about putting so much in it and not knowing how's da results but it's always da best to put up da courage to tell yourself that "You can do it!"

Apart from this,on da day she finished her exam,we went to KLCC and I guess we reallie rewarded ourselves well that day,first we bought tickets to watch Shrek 3 den next station to Emotus to grab her Tag Heuer watch den next to Tiffany & Co den Tomei and lastly watching Shrek together.I believe it was a tiring and happie night for us.It has been quite some time we didnt reallie shop together this much and my legs were actually aching when I'm back home(this proves how long I didnt had a reallie shopping spree!).Hope you had a great time dear,I had a wonderful time cos I'm having a Tiff & Co!!Pretty scary walking in because of da big steel doors and windows,I always feel small passing by Tiff & Co.It's looks like a very expensive and classy place till we walked in and thanks to my leng jai dear!Now please pay attention and focus on my neck yeah,it's sparkling sparkling*blink blink*and look at my dear's left hand with da Tag(pssst:a 23 year old gal wearing a Tag!!)

I just cant wait till Sunday,getting out from da city,moving into da greener & bluerer skies and tasting da good food around,this is what you call holiday =P

At da same time,yesterday I told my dear about my contract renewal is still pending with my country manager as he needs to sit & talk to me when I get back(scary isnt?).I was kinda freak out about it cos da first thought that came up was is he gonna renew or not? and of cos this is da main point and question that I was worrying.People around me assure that "You're doing your job right?","How was your performance?Hitting your sales?Good!"and etc.Thanks for da compliment =) this proves that some of them acknowledgement my efforts too.However,I'm preparing my resumes to send out at da same time,you know it's always da best to prepare for da best & da worst*touch wood*Just in "case" right?

What came across my mind wasnt about me myself,da fear I had was for my dear and mum.I doesnt want them to worry about me nor feeling disappointed about me.I always wanted my dear to feel good about me,proud of me personally and in my career as well.For me to talk to her about this was hard.I knew telling her makes her worried & scared and yeah she did(though she say she's not)but naturally who doesnt right?Example I'm worried for her exams and she's worried about my job.I aint telling my mum till after da discussion,I doesnt wanna scare her and dear,I'm sorry that I freak you out suddenly and may kept you worried too at da moment.I cant assure or promise anything.Inside me,my heart is worried but my brain tells me to think optimisticly.

Reaching back home yesterday,lying on my bed,I cried when I text you about me worrying,being scared & felt sorry to you but a brand new day starts today.I just cant continue worrying and sad without knowing da results,probably it's a good one*keke*be positive and if I lose this job,it doesnt mean I lose my life okie?Life moves on to a better path and a higher level.

Dear,I aint blaming nor stopping your worries and fears as I know it shows care & concern from you and no matter how it's gonna be,no worries I'll be fine.At this moment,I just hope to have you & your support with me.It's great to have you encouraging me*muacks*You see I seriously need da holiday!*lol(lame excuse)*

Everyone pray for me this time*wink*and Alor Star,I'm coming back~~~ke si mee,si kai yik,ham chim piang,roti canai,asam laksa,teh ais,pat poh gu ling,lemak laksa,char kuey teow..Penang~~bak kut teh,cheesecake,fried oyster,asam laksa,rojak,fried chicken skin~~FOOD!

Happie happie with my dear*love is in da air~*