Sorry..

Wearing my first Levis jeans today and feel glad about it cos I finally found a jeans that suits me & make me look great*lol*Yeaps it's Friday,weekends are here again and it's end of September already,another month of da calendar has just pass by.Times flies isn't?Sitting here in da office writing this,listening to songs,make me feel relax and at times thinking back about me n her.How sweet we were and now I miss her..

At times I do wonder,if Su Wen didnt exist or if we didnt had tat misunderstanding,will we be together?if yes,how would it be?Will we last till now?Will she still remains da happie jolly she?Unanswered questions..

Yesterday was chatting with her in MSN and I could feel her upsets and disappointment that she couldnt make it to UK.Waving bye bye to her friends in da airport and sheding tears while driving back,I knew she was eager to go with them. She wanted to study there,graduating there,build her career,dreams and future there.Right now, she felt that her dreams are been shattered and she thinks she can never achieve what she wanted.There's always gains and losses in our life,we just got to accept this fact and move on with our life's changes.I just feel that she got da second chance for her studies with da study loan, why not just appreciate this chance and work hard on it to get nearer to da dreams you want to?Last time you may have made a wrong decision,den learn from it and try not to make da same mistake again now.Move towards da direction of ur future my dear.

She say few times sorrie d ystday..Well I aint mad or angry about what you have done.I got to admit that I was reallie hurt from what you did cos of da trust I gave you.Yet many consequences/reasons may lie behind da story and it doesnt matter what is it.Last time I would want every answer for every question of mine.But now,I learn to understand that some questions are better left unanswered.No matter how many times you say da word sorry,da incident happened,you already make da mistake and I felt da pain.So it doesnt matters anymore about da sorry.

I was drowning myself with da pain and hurt so much that I am so afraid to stand up.At first hate does exist and after a while it was gone cos I knew I love her,just couldnt bare myself to hate her*grin*My heart is occupied by one person,tat's her.

Great Weekend Together

It has been some time that we didnt spend weekends together,where it just da two of us.I reallie enjoy my time laughing,teasing each other in your class,my first time using my card,going to da MATTA fair,got over da wrong train(*shy*),influencing her to get other brand laptop(oh yes!),trying the lucky book in Borders(hope it comes true for me!!)and dessert time.Her smile,her touch and the look in her eyes reallie captivate my heart yet I told myself to hold back tis time.I knew I was too tired and helpless to continue my feelings.It's not that I dont love her but yet da hurt da pain still remains there.Reallie wanna huggie you tat nite but I'm afraid to do so.

I know no matter how time flies I still need to move on and forget what I needed to.Maybe I aint strong enough to tell myself,let it be.Probably because I'm too stubborn about love.When we were together, I told myself no matter how difficult da road is gonna be, I'll never let go till she say so. I was willing to be by her side no matter sunny or rainy days with da hope that she's happie always.Da whole world was behind me questioning me how much can I trust her?Yet I stood for her and our love by saying that I love you and this is the best reason for me to trust you.I understand that trust is da foundation of love.Without trust, love doesnt last at all.Ever since da day you told me that you love me and you wanna spend your future with me.I swear to God that I will not have doubts about you and den I gave you da key to open da doors of my heart which I have never done so.

What's so special about you?I doesnt know da answer.What I can say is it's amazing how you open up myself,da magical spell you have that let me fall so deep in love,I never think so far ahead about my future till I see it in you,my first time that I myself understand what is love*grins*.Ever tried waking in da morning where you wish that da one you love is just beside you?Dreaming of making meals for her,both washing da dishes,clothes and clean da house together?Walking into da dream house that both of you wanted?Talking about what both of you wanna achieve?Having da crazy times laughing at each other?Hugging on da bed watching each other asleep?*Emm that's reallie sweet,isnt it?*

I told her that right now I doesnt wan any relationship nor a guy or a guy in my life.I have put a no entry sign.I believe you know who is da one who can dismiss da sign away right? =) be happie everyone

Anniversaries..

Went out with her for a drink da nite she came back from genting,glad to see her as you know she went to Bangkok and it's kinda mess up there now with da blasting in Hadyai and da so call "war" there,did told her that she's lucky to escape from all of that and what can I say more?*Thank God*Maybe she didn’t realise da date of da calendar and while we were having our drinks+chatting session, supposedly it's our 11th month anniversary.My mind was carried away about it though she was telling me da stories of her trip to Bangkok.I was listening, just that my heart was there.

Every month looking at da calendar where I mark every 21st of da month with a sign of love and smileys,I do feel upset about it you know as you understand that I love anniversaries and it's a reallie special day for me.I think I'll have a harder time next month.How I wish I could just forget da dates and not remembering da number 21?*Sigh*I was a little emotional on da day itself and sorrie chimui that you need to listen to me "sou fu" & thanks gal.

Been wondering lately how to celebrate her birthday and yet another few question pops up "Is she free to entertain me? "Does she want me to celebrate with her?" "What do I wanna give her?".As I promised before that every year of her birthday,I'll make birthday cake for her which I need to find and get da recipe now so that it taste better from one year to another year =P.I'm still confused about what I wanna get for her birthday present as I did said I'll buy this for her and now she's telling me she doesn’t reallie feel da need for it.I know what she wants da most and there's pros n cons.Just afraid that she will get distracted from her studies.Frankly,I am worried with her study attitude and mayb I'm just over-sensitive+worried.She's an adult,matured enough to handle her life right?I do care about her(a lot!) where I doesn’t wanna see any failures occuring in her and she need to make an effort for this time.Support and advice is what I can give,da rest is up to her.

If she's reading this, you have your time for playing,trips,holiday,rest and relax already, now is da time where you need to plan,organize and control about your time already.I sounds like a nanny,don’t I?Haha probably cos I'm brought up in a average family where financially has always been a problem for us.So in my family,we knew that we couldn’t afford to fail in our studies cos there's no funding nor support for us.So realistically we knew that study is study and enjoy comes later during holidays.Hope you understand what I'm stressing in here.I guess I have been saying this over a hundred million times and read da motivation message I sent you de other day.Remind yourself about your goals and stay focus.You want something den you need to work on it =)

*Try ur best dear*

Crazy Night..

Yesterday had a crazy nite with my ah kor,housemate and a new friend named kelly.We were celebrating kelly's birthday and had dinner in victoria stations with da tasty oysters and my lamb lamb while enjoying our australian red wine*drooling*There goes our first drinking session while kelly was getting drunk already den our next stop was in bangsar for our irish beer and luckily it was ladies nite!Drink and drink..playing pool and chated da whole night n guess what?

While my kor was driving, we passed by Puduraya Bus Station, I had tears in my eyes but I hold it back.I remembered da time that you and me,both getting da bus tix,waiting for da bus to come,complaining "How come da bus is still not moving?" ,"Why da bus driver is so slow", "Da air con is so cold",da KFC where we would go when we come back from your hometown or penang.I started to think back of us back to ur hometown and going to penang..those happie times,how I wish time could just stop at da moment where you're always by my side,hugging kissing and loving me*sob*

Da whole night,though I was out with my frens,enjoying ourselves and drinking,yet you're still in my mind.Was thinking what you're doing in Bangkok?Are you having fun there?How's everything for you?Do you miss me?Ever think of me?I did sms you that i'm out with my friends drinking and you doesnt seem to like it.I could feel you were moody with da last message "No need msg me d.nights".How I wish you could feel how much I reallie miss you,den you wouldnt have said that to me.

It has been raining almost everyday here and counting da days she'll be coming back.No matter who's beside her right now,hope she's enjoying herself there now.Thanks kor and her housemate,I know they wanted to bring me out to cheer me up..I reallie appreciate it yet it takes time to heal a broken heart that still love someone..

Confused??

Have you ever been into a dilemma situation whether you doesnt know you wanna love or hate someone?Well I did.After da whole incident, I'm starting to think whether how do I feel for this person?Someone who broke my heart,who betray my trust and who wants to be my friend.How would you take it?

It may sound lame to you that I still couldnt accept da fact about it till today.Why am I still drowning myself with it?Today had lunch with my ah kor(bro) where she told me that it's not da time to figure who's right or wrong or asking for da explaination why she did it.What has happened cannot be changed.Since she make da choice of doing it,she got to responsible for it.Probably she felt lonely,she need someone 24 hours by her side and I was not able to do it so she betrayed me?

I have no idea how true is this and I was making my effort to move out so that we could see each other more often.Da main reason I wanted to move out was for her.I knew that I couldnt bare myself seeing my girlfriend sleeping in da same room and same bed with another gal(especially da bitch?).I knew she's da type who needed her love one to be by her side cos of her fears and I was trying my best to do it.Maybe sometimes da phrase 'Late is better den never' is not always true.

What can I do now?I dont know.Just continue finding who I am and struggling with da pain that I had?I know I'm still very weak and hurt inside.I still haven't found da way where I could just release everything out.Believe it or not,I can still cry for her till today?Impressed?I'm impressed too.I thought my heart has died for this heartless person BUT nopes,my heart is still occupied by her and I still love her.

Okie okie..I know you gals might wanna smack me and say wake up!It's hard to find someone you love and who love you too.I found da one I love and I thought I was so lucky to find such a perfect hubby for myself.Was planning and dreaming how beautiful would it be in every picture of my future,there's she with me.Now,eheem da pictures?Seriously,I know I reallie do love this person a lot.Many times she asked me why do I love her so much?What attracts me to her?In da name of LOVE,I love you and that's my answer to you dear.If you love a person,there's no reason cos everything of hers would seem perfect and good to you,even her bad and weakness cos you appreciate her and you want her so much =)

I am trying my best to heal da pain and it's gonna take a long long long super LONG time for it.Guess time is da best medicine right?Thanks for any support from you and my frens.I would have been dead on da floor already.She's gonna go bangkok today and I wish her a safe journey there & enjoying herself there.

Would stay by her side,giving her whatever I can and reminding myself that I aint da one she wants now.Will keep telling myself about my limitations*cross fingers*Good luck Sam =P

Feelings..

There's nothing much I could do while continue my life now without her,I'm glad that we are still close to each other and dont worry that I fall in again.This time I doesnt dare to put in any hopes cos I know my heart is still in pain with what she did.Though she have said sorrie but sometimes sorrie is too late for this pain of mine.I'm still clueless of how I really feel right now.At times I know I'm trying my best to forget da pain yet when I thought of it,my heart aches.I'll continue moving on life while you're beside me.

At times I'm trying my best to change you cos I know where's your mistake.People around you pampered you too much that caused your failure and I have to admit I'm one of them too.I do take in da blame for causing you this yet when we were together,I didnt wanna hurt you.It would sounded controlling and possessive at da moment.Sometimes you doesnt listen to me and you'll understand my good deed.Probably I use da wrong way to express it or maybe I'm da one who misunderstand you?Just hope that right now whatever I'm trying to tell you,you are able to take it cos it's time for you to learn about life.I doesnt wanna continue seeing you wasting your time anymore.I wanna look at you proudly.

Tough Life..

Stuck in da office cos outside is raining heavily so I decided to drop a post here before I leave back home.Hey you dear,if you wanna get good results,there's a price to pay okie?You'll need to reallie study hard and smart,manage your time well and get your life organized.I dont see a point where you just sit down there pitying urself and worrying that you gonna walk through a tough life to graduate.Let's face da reality, everyone here has a tough time and no matter how is it, we still need to move on right?So be positive, promise urself that you want to make it this time, you failed and you doesnt wanna fail anymore, you wanna prove to urself and da world you aint as weak as they thought and I definitely hope for da day where I could be proud of you cos you get a second upper in bachelor of law(how does that sounds to you?).Da biggest reward for your effort is your self-satisfaction.

I aint here to sweet talk to you that you gonna make it.If you're still helplessly playing around and not doing ur job as a student, I'll just close my eyes and rest peacefully ya.I'm here to give da support and motivate you as much as I could.I gone through da life of a student,I understand stress and exams and hey I may seem lucky to you but wake up,it was because of luck that made me pass my exams okie?I reallie did study reallie hard and I had my tension also,just that I never showed you.Behind my laughing face, there's a stress and tension situation happening during my assignment,test and exam times and I seem calm about it uh?Keke well need to balance up urself a bit before you get crazy of studies.

Trust yourself and please please remind urself about da mistake you have done tat caused ur failure.Learn from it and move on with a better brand new you k?All da best in your studies and hope you know what ya doing.Cheerup..

My Love My Fate..

Yesterday while talking to her in MSN,suddenly memories of us together kept spinning in my mind and I stopped my conversation to her with da reason I wasn't in da mood.I left offline and hugging my panda while my tears kept rolling down from my eyes.I'm still crying for her.Da more I thought of us, da louder I cried.I saw pictures of us when we were friends, da story of how we knew each other, da crazy and special moments we had, da upsets and tearful times we gone through, da gifts and surprises we gave to each other, da celebrations and anniversaries and lastly da break up with hurt together with sadness.I miss our kisses,huggies and da times when she's beside me.

A friend ask me have I tot of my future?I answered her "Yes,I did but I aint sure for now".I told her that what's missing in my future now is her and also my heart.She kept asking me to believe in true love,saying I was unlucky bumping into her and fall for a bad person,convincing to get someone new and saying I'll definitely get to find someone else.

I remembered my chimui asked me "Did you regret for being with her?".I said "No,I was reallie happie being with her".I believe in fate and I guessed fate brought us along.You aint a big bad person who's trying to cheat every gal here.I trust that you did love me before and maybe things changed in a manner that I couldnt accept.If anyone were to ask me are you a good gf?I would still answered yes.Even if you were to ask, if I were to know what's gonna happened today, will I still wanna be with you?My answer will still be a yes cos it's you.

I'm sure if you're reading this,you'll know how I feel for you.I love and I hate while I'm still missing you.I know my feelings are still strong here for you and what will happen in da future, we will never know.Love songs doesnt sound as sweet as before, sad songs will be playing in my life, there's no hard feelings anymore where hatred has left me long ago, what's left is just me, a souless person trying to get over.

Dramatic Night

It's pretty scary about what happened today,I was with my gay fren(my jimui) today cos his bf broke up with him and they had a bad arguement to settle over da debts issue.Witnessing them being together den broke up den argueing den fighting and end up calling each other to say sorrie,it's reallie kinda sad to see this.I could still see love in them and care for one another yet over some matters, they couldnt be together.So sad to know that love isnt as easy as we thought,practically if you love someone and da someone love you den both of you will be together but technically in da real world,it doesnt work out this way.

After da whole dramatic session,both of us sat together talking about love and da more we talked,da more I actually miss her.It's true that when break ups happened, you'll realise you feel you lost everything cos this special person has been part of your life.I told him that I used to wake up feeling happie in da morning cos I'll remind myself that I have someone whom I love and loving me.I would spend my day being with her and thinking about our future.Now,things are different where I doesnt feel like waking up,I feel directionless and lifeless and of cos I feel alone.

You see tat's da power of love,it can bring you up and bring you down.It's reallie a special and amazing thing about love.I dare to say that I have experienced da best of love and also da worst of love.What's more about love?I shall not dare to fall in love neither thinking nor considering to find someone else cos my heart couldnt take it anymore.It may sound silly to you that I still love her and I just couldnt get rid of this feeling.My heart is lost and occupied.

I close my doors for love and relationship as I dont dare to see it anymore.I still feel pain and hurt and a lifeless love lying inside me.I still doesnt know how to handle myself in da coming days.Still hiding in da corner of mine.

Lost

Listening to da sad sad heart broken songs now, I didnt know what can I write here today. Yesterday night she told me she feel down when she hears me laugh cos she doesnt know whether am I reallie laughing or am I hiding?I guess people who are reallie reallie close and understand me well will know am I hiding or not.

I feel stressful here with da hurt and yes I know you're feeling da guilt too.Dont ask me to find someone else and convincing me about true love or better future.I reallie doesnt have da heart to do so.I lost my heart,my smile,my trust,my confidence and everything including YOU.How far can I move on,I doesnt even know?

I'm glad to know that you felt sorrie for hurting me and foolishly it was something I have been waiting to listen "Sorry" but yet forgiven or not it's another story.Your sorry couldnt recover da pain I'm having and it could not erase my nightmare either.There are people asking me whether is there any chance for us to be back together?Answer:I doesnt know..

When we were together, I put myself into da relationship so much that I forgotten about myself entirely.You were all in my mind,my heart and future.Everything I did,I prioritize you and that's why it's so heart breaking when I discover what you did behind me.I gave you my trust and I put confidence in us.I was making da whole world to believe in us yet in da end you broken this trust of mine.

Love consist of trust and now I have given up on myself about love.Last time,I naively believe in true love,forever love and beautiful love but right now I have many doubts about love.I doesnt believe in myself anymore cos I'm hurt and afraid.I'm sorrie if you reading this.

Weeks before I have da courage that I wanted to disappear in your life and yet I felt it wouldnt make any difference.Walking away from your life or my life will only remind us this pain and hurt so it's not necessary for you to do so.Just do watever you can to be happie and remember what I always said to you before "I just want to see you happie".

Hatred Gone

Yesterday I had a bad start day, I was gonna be late for my work and once I got myself into my dad's car, guessed what happened?Da car broke down cos da car battery was down and luckily my sis was still in my house preparing for work so she gave me a ride.While waiting for my company bus to pick da whole bunch of people up(including me), here comes a guy approaching me talking to me with friendly conversation and we end up sitting together in da bus,talking all da way till to da office. We had normal conversations like where're you from?which department?how's work and so on?And da most interesting question he asked me was(which is da last question he bump to me) "Sam,so do you believe in love?". I was amused and emotional crack when I heard that question. I grined and answered "Well,I do believe in love and em lately I doesn’t know whether do I still believe in love,things happened and it make me change some how." I have been wondering da whole day from yesterday till today about where,how and why would I bump into this guy?Was this a test from God?

After work, I took da company bus back to KL Sentral and was looking around for gummies for my cutie niece.While packing da gummies, I bought another bag of candies for myself and da specialty about it is those candies are all in different flavour. With a sudden thought I felt, my life could be just da same as da candies, some may taste good and some taste bad yet it will taste sweet in da end.Okie it's not another Forest Gump phrase about "Life is just like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what does it taste like".

My mind was wondering around cos I knew I was gonna see her in da night, I didn’t know how I was gonna confront her. There were mixture of feelings of hurt,pain,sadness,anger,hatred,love,confused,doubts,suspicious and a lot more to describe.When I first got into da car, I felt both of us feel da uncomfortableness or rather we didn’t know what to say to each other.We were quiet in da car till we got down and sat together with our friends with a little warm up on our conversation den soon naturally we talked.She drove me back and we continued talking in her car.Upon reaching home, we continued messaging each other with funny jokes cracking on each other.Frankly, I did felt a miss for her cos this is actually how we started to become couple(if she remembered).Some refreshment of memories sparkled in my mind and *ouch*my heart felt it.

I was too sleepy to read her last message and this morning when I read her message, I didn’t know how to reply her and I follow my heart.I told her how I feel right now and what's missing in me. For those who have been reading this, you know da answer..it's my heart.I'm still searching for my heartless soul who's pondering around somewhere with da hurt and pain.I'm amazed with myself that I stop hating you,some may say I'm a forgiver but actually I'm not.I know I couldn’t neither forget nor forgive what she have done to me and da reason I stop hating you is da more I hate you da more I'm reminding myself how much I love you.Hating someone I love is reallie da most difficult thing I could do and I just couldn’t do it.

Since da "day", I never smile like da way I did, I couldn’t find da reason for smiling happily,when will my heart and my smile be back?Let's wait.

End Of Hatred

I found out tat da more I hate her,da more I was hurting myself cos I was reminding myself how much I love this person.I wouldnt forgive nor forget what she has done yet I doesnt wanna continue this hate for her.It's she worth for me to hate forever?

I would treat her like a normal friend or a normal human being without any special feelings nor care for her and not to worry this time is not because I still wanna stay close to her.I'm doing it cos there isnt a need for hatred anymore and I dont wanna feel bad for myself either.

Is just a part of me growing to reach for da ray of light and burying da sadness in me in my heart.My heart is still lost and no where to be found yet.It takes time to go through all this and to resume back who I am.Hopefully in no time I'll get back da smile tat I always had on my face, da happie go lucky gal sam!

Thanks guys and gals who was here to listen,to cry,to advice and etc etc etc, you all are reallie my good pals and I would never forget this gratitute. I promise that whenever you all got any problems(touch wood),I'll be there for you as well.You gone through it with me,I'll go through it with you as well =) Thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks!!!!

Why Do I Still Reply Her?

Sigh,I remember telling her and myself that I doesnt wanna have any contact with this person anymore yet I still reply her and helped her again?Am I silly or I still have feelings for this cruel person?

Had a mini sms arguement with her and da more we argued, da more I realised that this person wouldnt admit her own mistake. She can still feel proud about it as though what she did was right.

I wished she could feel sorry and ashamed of her lame excuse for doing so and da reason me being cruel and mean is I doesnt wanna hurt myself.My love for her is still here,my feelings remains and yet da hurt inside is so deep..

How could she do this to me?

My Curse Came True?

I was mad to know da truth, I cursed her with anything that I can. She came and message saying that it came true and ask me why did I need to curse her like that.If she would understand, at da point of time, I was reallie mad and I hated she betrayed me.I couldnt believe my eyes of what I see,I couldnt believe my ears of what I hear and I couldnt believe this is what I get in return of love.

She can still blame me for what has happened?It's hurting me so badly with da pain and yet she still blame me?I'm da one living in hell now with tears everyday.Do you know how worst do I feel now?Do you know what am I going through?

Sleepless nights,tired,helpless,lost of trust and confidence,betrayal,scared of love,sick,hurt,pain,misery...This is how I feel right now,there's more to write but I couldnt find words to describe it better on my feelings.

I just know that knowing her for 4 years as a friend to a close friend and couple. I couldnt accept da fact about this.I couldnt believe myself knowing this.Even till today, it's still hard for me to take this reality.

I'm hiding myself in da room,not showing my weaknesses to others and avoiding not to think.Now you're blaming me saying why did I curse you like that?If my curses are real, I would curse myself to be a billionaire den.Your studies problem aint related to me at all okie?I did my best to help you and now da problem is because of your results.You think I have bribe da college people ah?Dun be so silly and kiddo please.I doesnt know any bomoh at all.

No matter how many times I prayed to God for you, at da end of da day, if you want to excel, everything depends on you.Please realize that I have been trying to help you all this while and yet now I feel I'm totally not being appreciated.Dun blame others nor me for whatever bad that happens to you.Sit down and use ur brains to think about it.You got a problem den find a solution.You're old and mature enough to do so.

You make my heart broken not oni into million pieces, I just couldnt feel my heart beat anymore.I lost it.

Nightmare..

Da incident has become a phobia or a nightmare to me.I couldnt sleep.Each time closing my eyes asking myself not to think so much for a better sleep,I couldnt.Da images of da incident keep repeating in my mind and da pain was getting deeper and deeper and soon tears came falling over and over again.

I still cry for someone who hurt me so much,someone whom I doesnt know whether why I still have da love for her though I hate her for what she have done.How foolish am I?

My life now is miserable,I live in hell,feeling so terrible..I feel so helpless about myself = (

God where are you?I need you so much to tell me how do I continue living in this world where they are all LIARS!Behind an angelic face can be a devil behind.Who can I trust now?I doesnt have confidence in myself.She ruin myself.I'm lost in da middle of no where.Where are you God?

3rd September 2006

I'll remember this date for my whole entire lifetime where my love and trust has been betrayed.I couldnt sleep well last night.My mind was been bothering with da thoughts of how could she do that to me?I feel so helpless lying on da bed,thinking how I gonna live on my life with so much pain and hatred.I sat on my bed and started to cry.Never thought that I could still shed tears for someone who has been so harsh on me.

Friends came along sharing their care for me,saying it wasnt worth for me to be so sad and they didnt believe in her neither.All da while, it was only me who trusted her so much.She didnt even realise this or maybe it wasnt important to her anymore?

I trusted you will all my heart with love and care but u didnt appreciate it and u betray it.You didnt say it was de end and in fact you were giving hopes to me.You used my love,care,trust and support for granted.YOU DID!How selfishly you are..

I never forget da moment of me finding da truth & throwing everything.I never forget about how much I hate you.I would wait for God to punish those who hurt others harsly.I'll wait.I dunno how long I'm gonna carry this hatred with me.Probably it's da same amount as much as I loved you.

Jasper Cheng Su Ling get out of my life and whether you're dead or alive,it's none of my business anymore.

We Are FINISHED!

Finally da day has come, what you did has reach my limits and I wouldnt write here what you did cos I aint here to spread around ur badness.You dun decide whether who is da right one for me or whether I deserve a better one or not.You doesnt have da control to do so and for your information now,it's you who make my heart broken.

I hate you.I reallie do.You reallie did make me feel da hurt so bad tis time and I know what you did is beyond what I can compromise or take in.I could feel my anger when I start throwing over your things,smashing everything,my heart bleeds,i was insane..I couldnt even feel da pain from da cuts that I have.My heart was too heavy and painful to go through this.Why did she do tis to me?After all of da love I gave, she could break up with me by telling me so but she couldnt betray behind me and here being good to me.

I'm a conservative woman in love.I never though I could be in a 2-tier relationship,sharing my love one with someone else yet cos I love her too much,I was waiting for her decision and wishing that I could be da one she's wanna be with.I was indeed happie to know that finally she wanted to be with me but nightmares happens next.She betrayed da trust I have in her.I was making myself and da world to believe she's innocent and she's loyal but today she open my eyes to understand that love is just shit.There's nothing called love and be loved. Love is just a piece of shit. No matter how much you put in, people wouldnt appreciate and in fact they would stab back on you.I truly understand how realistic is love now.How silly I was in my fantasy.I thought love was so sweet and happie.I am a super loyal person where I feel a responsibility for my girlfriend.I wouldnt flirt nor play around with others cos I know where's my limits and I remind myself that I have someone I love and perfect for me.It's a stupid thinking after all.

Today I realised that how pain can someone you love brings to you.She can be an angel and a real evil at da end.I didnt know why I love her so much.It was a sentimental reason that this person captures my heart till I thought she's my true love.I HATE her now for what she have done and I never been so mad in my life.I drank to numb myself and end up in pain by throwing up and crawling on da floor cos of my gastric.

Da first time I was drunk was because of her and now again I'm going through this because of her.This gal reallie has some power in her that make me fall so hard for her.I doesnt know how to trust anyone anymore. Even da one I love could to this to me.I'll live in pain and sorrow for da coming days and reminding myself about da betraying.I'll protect myself from not being hurt anymore.I'll learn to be smart and thanks to her.

I wouldnt forgive nor forget what you have done to me & I want you to feel this regret for your whole entire life.I'll live longer den you cos I wanna see how you suffer.I believe in what comes around will goes around.Dont ask me to wish you all da best cos I know I aint that good to do so.

I have done watever I could emotionally and rationally.I still feel da pain & I doesnt know where I'm heading after this.Too many memories and pain in here.I dun feel I could breath here.Maybe now is really da time I should leave to somewhere else.Anyway that's my second thought,I doesnt need to avoid or to leave to somewhere for someone who's dirty and not worth it.

Love is just crap..appreciation is bullshit..trust is betrayal and being silly is what I am.I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Be Myself ^_^

After much consideration about missing in action, I'm reallie laughing at myself for having such a silly thinking of like disappearing myself from her life.Is there a need to do so?What do I get?Why do I need to avoid da problems and her?I'm glad that my rationality came back, emotions was taking me over about this. I realise was kinda stupid with da previous two posts I made here especially about knowing that da bitch was at her place.Seriously our relationship is undefined so I guess I dont have da right to jealous about anything right?And who am I?Why should she tell me da bitch was there or not right?Anyway why I care so much about da bitch?Reason would be cos I'm still putting hopes in da relationship,praying and hoping for da best and yet doesnt know where I stand.That's why I take in account of everything she does and people around her as well.

My poor chimui a.k.a sis,had a pretty bad day as well where she went up to her gf's apartment,she couldnt find her gf in her room.Guess where was she?She was actually sleeping on da next room which is her ex's room.To my chimui's surprise about that,she knows nothing happened between them yet da word jealousy do play around.She packed everything and left da keys and da ring back to her dear.Frankly,no one could accept this situation and sometimes I doesnt understand about gfs with exs.Arent you suppose to know where's da limit to be close as a fren and draw da line to let your ex knows that you're treating her as a fren?

It's da same as for my dear as well.Many times I was upset and we got into mini argument because of da bitch and now I realise I shouldnt blame everything on da bitch.She love my dear and hoping to patch up, which is not wrong to do so but please rem she has a girlfriend and it's ME!!As for my dear, come on you should know she does love you but da way u're treating her it's like kinda intimating?Could you accept me sleeping with my ex or another guy/gal next to me on da same room same bed?Could you accept me running away with someone else when I saw you?Could you accept if my ex always hanging around me when you know he/she love me?It's always easy to speak as a third person that you gonna believe in your gf,dun care about da bladdy bitch.Yet when you're in da situation, you'll understand how bad does it feels when you see ur gf doesnt mind being loved by her ex and even at times you feel that she prioritize her ex before you.It hurts.

I have been trying to compromise about this ex-thingy and I guess it's time for me to shout out everything about it.I done nothing wrong about da ex.If my dear wants me back, she need to do something for me den which is draw a line between you and her ex.Let da bitch know that you're with me and you doesnt want her to spoilt our lives.If you cant do it, you still want to selfishly enjoying da love and care from her.I'll leave cos I doesnt want another third party to ruin my relationship over and over again.I doesnt wanna get myself crazy thinking about da bitch.I trust you yet da one I doesnt trust da most is her & myself.Jealousy will break us and hurt me as well.I cant take it anymore.

Right now I doesnt know where I stand in her heart,I doesnt know am I her girlfriend or just a friend.Status undefined.Probably you'll be asking how long are we gonna drag on this situation?Answer I doesnt know.I feel that once she's settled with her enrollment to da new college,hopefully da time has come for us to review on what we want.If we wanna continue den how?If she wanna give up den how?I'm prepared now for everything,for da best and for da worst.To my friend surprise when she know that I could still cry for my dear today, she thought after all this, I should feel numb about it. I told my dear before that when you truly love someone, you'll cry for da hurt and sadness that happens and if da day da tears stop falling,da heart has stop beating for da person whom u loved.

Life goes on no matter what happens,I'm reallie weak in my heart no matter how strong & tough I tried to be.So it's true I'm a sentimental person which I doesnt know it's good or bad!!I still care about her though.

Down with fever yesterday and this morning woke up with body ache here n there,still having slight headache and fever..how nice would be if there's a nice warmie huggie and kissie on da forehead?*piaks!*Stop dreaming..

Because of You

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kelly Clarkson : Because of You
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will not make the same mistakes that you did,
I will not let myself,
Cause my heart so much misery,
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hardI've learned the hard way,
To never let it get that far.

Because of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt,
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me,
Because of you,
I am afraid.

I lose my way,
And it's not too long before you point it out,
I cannot cry,
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes,
I'm forced to fake,
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life,
My heart can't possibly break,
When it wasn't even whole to start with.

Because of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt,
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me,
Because of you,
I am afraid.

I watched you die,
I heard you cry every night in your sleep,
I was so young,
You should have known better than to lean on me,
You never thought of anyone else,
You just saw your pain,
And now I cry in the middle of the night,
For the same damn thing.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt,
Because of you,
I try my hardest just to forget everything,
Because of you,
I don't know how to let anyone else in,
Because of you,
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty,
Because of you,
I am afraid.

Because of you..
Because of you..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Da End
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because of you
I realise what is love & I knew what I needed forever,
I was eager to achieve my dreams with you cos I wanna see da smile on ur face,
I wasnt afraid of da endless road in front of me because you're here,
I was ready to give everything and anything I can,just for you.

Missing In Action

These three words have been playing in my mind lately and finally I guess I got da courage to do.It's not because I dont love her anymore,is just that I feel that I'm not da one she wants.No matter how good am I,I'll never be da perfect one in her heart.No matter how much time I'm around here,there's always someone better with her.No matter how much I love her,I know there's someone who loves her too.I guessed I wasn't being appreciatiated at all.

I really wished that she could tell me that though I'm not da most important thing in her life yet she couldnt lose me.I wished she could tell me how much she wan me to be beside her,walking through da times yet I know there's someone better right now there.I'm so silly!I am!Why did I trust her so much,putting all my feelings for her and end up I'm being used?

She didnt wanna let go of da care & love she's given by others.Why did I so foolishly believe that there was nothing wrong?How could I accept everything was plainly nothing?When I tot da worst time she needed me.I realise someone was there with her d.Why?Why am I so stupid?

I never been this kind of situation,my heart breaks & my tears falls.I know this time I need to walk away from her life.I'm not da one she needed.She love herself & love being loved by others but she doesnt love me.Why do I need to do such things to hurt myself?

I'm drown with her love and I know I couldnt stop loving her..i know I couldnt..do you know how much tears I'm crying right now?How hurt my heart feels?I realise..it's time for me to go..

I shouldnt stay..

Dear,I have gave watever help I can to help you now and I hope you'll take care of urself in da coming days,dun let others pampered you too much till u're absent-minded about others,dun blame urself for watever things that has happened,dont believe in luck so much,fate is in ur hands,you could control it,put in da effort you want if you wanna achieve something,balance urself well with ur stress and tension,there are things that you'll need to handle it urself,take good care of urself,I wish you luck in ur studies and future,I wish you happiness forever,I may not be da one you want,da one who's making you happie yet I hope you'll rem me always in your heart.

Sam really loves you and I have never changed da way I feel for you ever since we have been together.Thanks for showering everything that you could and I hope you could feel my appreciation & my love.

Sam Loves Jas Forever & Ever..